The Bachelorette Ep 6: They’re Just Not That Into You

In this episode, we (Ali and I) learned a few important life lessons.

TURKEY IS AWESOME
1990s pop music taught us that Istanbul was Constantinople.  What it didn’t teach us is that Istanbul is the best city in the history of Earth.  The architecture, the bathhouses, and the semi-nude Turkish wrestlers who battle foreigners should all be considered national treasures.  I would like to personally thank the ABC executives not only for LOST, but also for the important public service they provided by showing us Turkey.

JUSTIN IS NOT A GOOD GUY
Finally, at long last, we found out which guy has a girlfriend.  It was Justin.  The horrible, horrible Canadian.  Justin, you are a disgrace to Ryan Reynolds and Keanu Reeves.  They are the REAL Rated-Rs of Canada.  You, sir, you are a charlatan.  GOOD DAY, SIR.

If you don’t watch The Bachelorette, let me explain Justin to you.  If you are a girl, Justin is the cheesy player who said all kinds of BS to you so you would make out with him.  The, after the fact, you wanted to kill him with your bare hands.  If you are a guy, Justin is the skeezy guy who made out with a girl you liked, even though everyone but her knew he was no good.  That’s Justin, only he (1) is a pro-wrestler, (2) embarrassed Ali on national tv, and (3) had two other girlfriends the entire time.

THE TY DATE
Ali and Ty went to a bathhouse and hugged each other awkwardly in steam for about twenty minutes.  Ty also revealed the reason he got divorced is that his wife had a job.  Also, he “loves being married”.

Ali.  Ali.  Ali.  You are dedicated to your career.  You quit The Bachelor for your job.  You told a contestant you are anything but traditional.  You are looking for love.  Are you considering marrying a guy who divorced his wife because she had a job?

Ty does not pass The Dude Test.
GROUP DATE
Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Captain Kirk, and Craiger went on the group date. The activity?  Get half-naked, put on some leather pants, cover yourself in olive oil, and wrestle some Turkish men.  Two points:

• Every guy on this date was cool.  You could tell because they were nice and they didn’t get divorced because their wives had jobs.
• Ali should pick one of these guys.

Poor Craiger defeated the other three guys only to go on a date with an uninterested Ali.  I thought she was going to taze him during dinner.  He seems like an alright guy, so I felt pretty bad for him.  He was totally oblivious to her lack of interest.

FRANK DATE
Frank dates are always a mess.  This poor guy is so mousy and manic.  Ali is really into him, which means he doesn’t really like her.  This date went fine I guess, but in the promo for next week, we see that he’s just not that into her.

ALI
Poor Ali is a mess. In the promo for next week, she wonders aloud if there’s something wrong with her.  The answer is no and yes.  No, nothing is wrong with Ali.  She seems like a great girl.  But, she’s emotionally invested in guys on a game show.  At least two of the guys were there for the wrong reasons, and she’s having to go through the fallout of being used.  I like Ali a lot now, so I wish she would’ve just registered for E-Harmony and called it a day after the Jake fiasco.

This episode was pretty depressing.  I felt bad for Ali, and I felt bad for watching a reality show that manipulates people for ratings (ABC totally knew about Justin and Frank).  Finally, I felt bad for Kirk and Chris, who were clearly not born to wrestle shirtless Turks.

Hopefully next week will be less Empire Strikes Back and more Return of the Jedi.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Here’s my question – if you could pick any actor’s career, which career would you choose?  This is a tough one.  Your factors can include awards, biggest stunts, most starlets kissed, best one liners, box office numbers, most positive, most groundbreaking, etc.  Taking all of these factors into considerations, here’s my list.

HARRISON FORD
Our man Harrison combines critical success, commercial success, and roguish badassery in an unprecedented level.  He is Indiana Jones, Han Solo, the President.  Look at this list of American classics:

• American Graffiti
• Star Wars
• Apocalypse Now
• Indiana Jones
• Blade Runner (He was a robot, y’all!)
• Witness
• Regarding Henry
• The Fugitive
• Air Force One

Best Harrison Ford Moments:

• The pistol pull from Indiana Jones
• “I know…” from Star Wars
• “Get off my plane!” from Air Force One

TOM CRUISE
Tom Cruise is my favorite Scientologist.  Here is why:

• Risky Business
• Legend
• Top Gun (He’s dangerous.)
• Cocktail
• Rainman
• Days of Thunder
• Far and Away (for the ladies)
• A Few Good Men
• The Firm
• Interview with a Vampire (take that R Pat)
• Mission Impossible
• Jerry Maguire
• Magnolia
• Vanilla Sky
• Collateral

This isn’t even a complete list of his popular movies, they are just ones I happen to like.  This is a great list.  It makes me want to jump on Oprah’s couch and yell I LOVE THIS CAREER! It also makes me want to count my thetans.

Best Tom Cruise Moments:

• Any laughing scene
• Multiple slow-mo backflips with fire and doves in MI:2
• His entire homoerotic relationship with Iceman in Top Gun.

Worst TC Moment: That damn volleyball scene in Top Gun.  I’ve had to listen to girls jaw about that scene for two decades.  Ugh.

WILL SMITH
The Fresh Prince of the big screen.  I’ve heard that Will Smith sat down at the beginning of his career and looked at the highest grossing movies of all time.  Then, he made those kinds of movies.  He’s so money that his son is the Karate Kid.  Feast on this list:

• Bad Boys
• Independence Day
• Men in Black
• Enemy of the State
• Ali
• I, Robot
• The Pursuit of Happyness

Looking at this list, it’s not quite as impressive as Cruise’s or Ford’s.  But, Will Smith is also the Fresh Prince.  He’s a really likable guy.  I think he also has some box office records or something.

Best Big Willy Moment:

• “Welcome to Earth.”

MEL GIBSON
In the words of the great Luke Reeves, “What the Mel?”  Behold the freedom-loving, child-avenging filmography:

• Mad Max
• Lethal Weapon (the first few anyway)
• Hamlet
• Maverick
• Braveheart
• Ransom
• Conspiracy Theory
• The Patriot
• We Were Soldiers

Best Mel Gibson Moment:

• “FREEEEDOOOOM!”

BRUCE WILLIS
He is bald, cranky, and he plays the blues.  I think if he were older, he could’ve traded careers with Harrison Ford or maybe even Steve McQueen.  I think McQueen is a little more cerebral, though.  Willis list of notables:

• Die Hard (ALL of them.)
• Pulp Fiction
• Twelve Monkeys
• The Jackal
• The Fifth Element (short-listed as one of my favorites)
• The Sixth Sense
• Sin City
• Lucky Number Slevin
• Grindhouse

One plus of Willis’ career is that he didn’t dramatically drop off like Ford and (possibly) Cruise.  He comes out with something great every few years, and he’s been doing it for maybe 25 years.

Best Moments in his Career:

KEANU REEVES
Keanu Reeves is the best Canadian.  He is also the best person alive.  Why?  He’s always brooding and saving humanity from computers or demons or the devil or global warming.  Woah:

• Bill and Ted
• Point Break (short-listed)
• Much Ado About Nothing
• Speed (brought us America’s Sweetheart Sandra Bullock)
• Johnny Mnemonic (underrated, features a telepathic dolphin)
• The Devil’s Advocate
• The Matrix (THE MATRIX!)
• The Replacements (miles and miles of heart)
• Constantine

Best Keanu Moment:

• “Woah.”
• “There is no spoon.”

WINNER
This is tough.  I have an irrational love for anything Keanu touches.  Bruce Willis’ movies are the most entertaining movies overall. The nerd in me worships Harrison Ford.  Han Solo and Indiana Jones and someone from a Tom Clancy book?  The winner is:

Bruce Willis.
(SPOILER: He was the winner the whole time.  He just didn’t know it.)

I just spent like half an hour banging this out, so if you are reading this you better put in your two cents.

HONORABLE MENTION
Tom Hanks, Arnold, Russel Crowe, some random indie actors so I would look cool.  I left off Deniro and Pacino because they haven’t done much in the past decade or so.

The Bachelorette Ep 5: Ali vs The Volcano

Samantha wants the world to know that the true title of this post is Moldy with a Chance of Sleazeballs.

After watching this episode, I decided to research how someone becomes a saint.  Ali should definitely get in, or at least get some nods.  She’s amazing.  I can’t believe she made it through Kasey’s tattoo speech and Chris’ Mexican food line.  What a woman.  Alright, let’s do this.

THE LOCATION
Iceland.  Iceland is amazing, and it gave us Bjork.  That’s all you need to know.

CAPTAIN KIRK
On this hard-earned date, Kirk and Ali went sweater shopping.  They also ate at a restaurant, and Kirk revealed that he is athletic.  He felt a real connection.  Kirk is a good guy.  He’s always positive and he’s always a gentleman.  I think he’s the right mix of qualities for Ali.  My wife says they look good together.  That’s the ultimate test.  Another thing I like about Kirk – he passes the dude test.  Dudes would hang out with him.  That’s good.  I don’t think three of the guys would pass this test.  Cape Cod Chris would pass for sure.

GROUP DATE
This group date was great.  Ali took her beaus on a horse ride through Iceland, and then they walked around in a cave.  Poor Cape Cod Chris was having a hard time with his trail horse.  He fell off.  Ty, on the other hand, was all about animal husbandry.  He was fixing saddles, adjusting stirrups, and saying things like “Hyah” and “WOAH”.  Ty’s not my favorite guy on the show.

The date ended in some crazy natural hot spring.  Everyone went swimming, which means we learned that Ali is built like a superhero and Lawyer Craig has a pale, pale backside.  Another thing we learned is that Ali is happiest when she is sloshed.  She was definitely feeling the booze.  Let me break down the signs that Ali is crunk:

• Unfocused vision.
• Wide eyes.
• Giggling.
• Long pauses in speaking. (This explains why she was unable to form a complete thought with Jake.)
• Excessive optimism.

Ali did manage to slur out that Ty was getting a rose.

DOUBLE DATE
Ali took Justin and Kasey on a group date.  The upside was that she got to walk around next to an erupting volcano.  The downside was that she spent the day with Justin and Kasey.  I love Canadians (Ryan Reynolds, Keanu Reeves, Kristin Kreuk), so I have to defend their honor and say that Justin is a horrible Canadian.  Poor Kasey is just a mess.  He showed Ali his tattoo, and she just sat there and listened to him ramble, and told him she was glad he was himself.  What a great way to spin that whole bizarre situation. Ali, you are the best.

Ali then sprinted back to the helicopter, gave Justin a rose, and said nothing the rest of the day.  Poor Kasey was left standing on the mountain, dawdling around in his parka.  I hope they sent the helicopter back for him.

ALI TALKS TO DUDES
Before the elimination portion of the show, Ali got to have a little one on one time with some of the guys.  Craig drew a fake tattoo on his arm.  Joel Olsteen revealed that someone once said he was funny.  When Ali asked him to share something wild, he said he really liked Mexican food.  Then, he blankly stared at Ali.  Then, he told the camera he was confident he was going to get a rose.

ELIMINATION ROUND
Joel Olsteen didn’t get a rose.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Kirk
2. Roberto
3. Frank
4. Cape Cod Chris
5. Ty

Kirk is the total package for Ali.  He’s either going to win or become the Bachelor.  Our girl is still smitten with Roberto, but they don’t seem to have much in common, so he dropped.  She likes Frank still, but he’s so insecure I don’t think he’ll be in it to win it.  Chris is a great guy, but they don’t have a connection.  I could see him being the Bachelor.  He reminds me a lot of Jason Segel (Freaks and Geeks, Forgetting Sarah Marshall).  He’s a goofy, good guy.  Ty seems to be hanging in there, but he’s so cocky.  I don’t think Ali is into that.  Maybe Jake will rejoin the cast now that he’s single.  GAME CHANGER!

HELICOPTERS
Every reality show features at least one helicopter ride every fifteen minutes.  I am convinced that reality television makes helicopter piloting a lucrative business.

See you next Monday.

The Bachelorette Ep 4: Ali is Allergic to Karaoke

This week, Ali and her boys ditched the Left Coast to head east.  Everyone was happy to hear they’d be traveling the world, trying to win Ali’s heart.  You could tell all the guys were happy because they were hi-fiving.  It is physically impossible to hi-five someone if you are unhappy.  It would be like putting two positively charged magnets together.  Impossible.  Watching the home videos of all the guys at the airport was cool, because it seems like everyone who’s left has become pretty good friends now.  I would like to hang out with this group of guys, presumably to talk about connections and gym routines.

This week the action moved to New York City.  The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps.  The Big Easy.  The Ol’ Blue Eyes.  The Motor City.  The Big D.  Something something something dreams are made of, there’s nothing you can’t do.  Now you’re in New York.

CASEY
Remember a couple of weeks ago when Casey said he wanted to showcase his voice by doing karaoke for Ali?  This is the week when Casey’s dreams came true.  Twice.

This date taught us that Casey is an impromptu singing master.  We learned that the songs just come to him.  Like a divine miracle, or diarrhea.

Song One happened while Casey and Ali were having a picnic and waiting for their obligatory helicopter ride.  They were sitting on a blanket and then he went, off into song.  A foot away from Ali.  I want to be respectful of Casey and his attempt to win Ali, but I have to describe the song a little bit.  It was like a drunk robot got a hold of an autotune microphone and tried to freestyle.

I need to pause and say that Ali is an absolute saint.  A saint!  She just sat there and absorbed the music.  She didn’t giggle or wince or cry or anything. She’s a great Bachelorette.  Ali, I know for a fact that you are reading this, so I want to say good job.

Casey and then Ali went to a closed museum for a date.  I’ve been to the museum, but I don’t remember seeing Ali or Casey there, and I definitely don’t remember Casey staring at me and asking me to jump into his heart.

After some awkward moments yelling at exhibits and reminding Ali that her name is Ali, Casey once again breaks into song.  Then, Ali breaks his heart by not giving him a rose.  She was so diplomatic about the whole thing.  I think we should send her to BP, North Korea, the Middle East.  I think everyone will listen to her.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
Next, all the guys have to audition for the producers of Broadway’s The Lion King.  Ali and one lucky guy will be performing as backup dancers in a real Broadway show.  I was out of the room for the auditions, but apparently Roberto is a good dancer. (What a cliche!  Everyone knows baseball players dance!)  He is also a horrible singer, but Ali loves him and his Rico Suava ways, so he wins.

I came back into the room right on time for rehearsals.  Ali and Roberto were wearing skimpy flesh-colored leotards and zipping around the air on wires. All their dates involve wires.  I’m not sure what exactly they were doing up there, but there seemed to be some second base involved.  It looked like they were attempting to keep the circle of life rolling forward.

Come on producers, call the game.

CAPTAIN KIRK’S POWER PLAY
Ali got sick, presumably from  Casey’s singing and all the mid-air groping. Kirk told her to not worry about hanging out with the guys, but to get some rest. By rest, he meant, let’s make out in your room.  So they did.

CAPE CODE CHRIS DATE
Even though Ali was sick, she wanted to hang out with Chris.  So, he went and bought her flowers and soup.  Good move by Cape Cod Chris.  He’s husband material.  I can’t tell if Ali’s really into him or if she just thinks he’s a good guy.

WEATHERMAN SINGS TO ALI
Weatherman told the camera that he’s a singer-songwriter.  That sentence was a pretty good hint his song would be a trainwreck.  And it was.  It was  a perfect mix of Bret Michaels and Casey.  It’s a warbly, acoustic power ballad of awkwardness and desire.  Weatherman means well, but he’s too goofy to win.

By this point, Ali is so battle-hardened that she didn’t even flinch.  She just sat there with a thousand-yard stare.  I imagine she was daydreaming about Roberto.

CASEY GETS AN ALI TATTOO
I can’t even write about this. I can’t believe a producer didn’t calm this guy down. He got a tattoo reflectinghis desire to “guard and protect” the heart of a girl he met on a gameshow.  And to reflect his kinship with the other dudes on the gameshow.  ABC, you better pay for his laser tattoo removal.

ROSE CEREMONY
Jesse and Weatherman are out.  I’ll miss Weatherman and his cheeseball jokes.  Best of luck to you, bro.

Fake Joel Olsteen is still a contender!  How? I’ve never seen him talk to Ali. Who is he? I did learn his name is Chris N.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Roberto
2. Kirk
3. Cape Cod Chris
4. Frank
5. Fake Joel Olsteen

Don’t Call it a Comeback: Finding Joy in the Freak Flag

This post is the third entry in the God is the Measure of All Things series.

One of the hard truths I learned about myself in law school is that I can be kind of a baby.  There’s a good chance I was a big baby before that, but I just didn’t know about it.  Let me explain.

I grew up going to Christian private schools, and a public high school where most people claimed Christianity.  I went to a private Christian college.  In other words, I was surrounded by people who shared a largely similar worldview.  Law school, though, was different.  My worldview was different than many of my classmates’.  Oftentimes, it was radically different. In class discussions, sometimes I spoke up when I felt like I needed to explain my views.  Most of the time I just sat quietly, brooding.  I felt stupid, and sometimes I felt embarrassed.  I worried that my Christian views would seem so old fashioned and close-minded.  After all, in academia, nothing is worse than being old fashioned and close-minded.

Looking back, I was wrong in about a dozen different ways.  First, I was ashamed of myself.  There is no reason to be ashamed of thinking something different than someone else.  Second, I assumed the worst.  I assumed everyone thought I was an idiot.  In other words, I was judging them for (presumably) judging me.  Towards the end of law school, I found out most people weren’t judging me at all. I was the bad guy.  It wasn’t academia’s fault I was miserable.  It wasn’t my classmates’ fault.  It was mine.  Finally, I underestimated my God and my faith.  In the back of my mind, I believed Christianity needed me to clean it up, modernize it, but a gentle face on it.  It was so boring and standoffish.  I didn’t realize what true Christianity looked like:

Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect…Let love be genuine.  Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.  Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one one another in showing honor.  Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.  Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.  Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep witht hose who weep.  Live in harmony with one another.  Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.  Never be wise in your own sight.  Repay  no one evil for evil, but give thought to dow hat is honorable in the sight of all.  If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give hims something to drink…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – Romans 12

Wow.  That sounds like a great group of people.  Strong in belief, strong in taking care of loved ones, even strong in taking care of enemies.  According to Paul, if we’re doing it right, our enemies will know they are loved an honored.

Sometimes it’s still hard to talk about being a Christian, to talk about believing weird things about culture.  BUT.  We know from Romans that when we sacrifice ourselves and allow God to transform our minds, it gets easier and easier.  Because we better understand what God wants for us.  We understand why we’re here.

Don’t worry about looking old fashioned.  The truth is, your aren’t.  People have always been weird, and people have always needed a savior.  Jesus and his message have always been radical and they always will be.  All you are is a child of God, just like everyone else.  Be proud of Jesus, and be good.  You might not make sense to the world (or yourself), but everyone will be blessed and better off for it.  Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?

Paranormal Activity Review

Hmm.

Oh, wow.

Oh, crap.

Oh, no.

No, no, no!

NONONONONONO

Oh, crap!

NONONONONO

AAAAHHHHHH

The Bachelorette Ep 3: I Miss Getting Slapped

I’m officially on board with Allie.  She’s pretty, she’s quirky, she’s goofy, and she’s nice to the nerdy guys who just can’t get it together.  I like her.

THE ROBERTO DATE
For this date, Allie and Robert went high-wire walking between two LA skyscrapers.  Then, they ate a candlelit dinner.  Then, they got to first base. AWW YEAH! Besos.

Tightrope walking is a pretty big adrenaline rush.  It’s a level above bungee jumping.  On The Bachelor, Jake and Vienna went bungee jumping.  They ended up getting engaged after that.  My best guess is that means Roberto and Allie will get married.  Maybe next season they will really push the envelope for extreme dates.  Maybe they will rob a bank and then drive their getaway car into the ocean and punch some sharks.  I can’t imagine not rewatching that episode.

My expert opinion: Allie’s done.  Let’s just invoke the mercy rule and send all the other guys home.  She’s smitten because Roberto is a suave guy.  Here is a pertinent statement from Robert:

I woke up this morning and felt like I was going to get a date.

Do you know when Roberto made this statement?  I’ll tell you when.  Every day of his life. Game over.

Fact: Latin men are physically incapable of buttoning the top button of any shirt.  We can’t do it.

BARENAKED LADIES MUSIC VIDEO
Allie took nine of her favorite guys on a group date.  The date?  Film a Barenaked Ladies music video.  Best part of this segment was watching a bunch of former frat daddies rock out to The Barenaked Ladies.  ”Chickety China, bro!  Chinese chicken!”.  Allie was also rocking out.  She’s an unconventionally talented dancer, which is endearing.

This segment also taught us that

1. Fake Joel Olsteen is a contender, even though so far he’s only said 43 words total.
2. Allie likes Kirk.  A lot.  From now on, he is Captain Kirk.
3. Weatherman lives in the Friend Zone.

I want to talk about Weatherman’s poor showing.  Weatherman, if a girl is ready to make out with you, don’t start crying and telling her she doesn’t have to kiss you.  Just, you know, kiss her.  (See: Roberto, Captain Kirk)

WRESTLER DRAMA
In wrestling parlance, there are good guys and heels.  Good guys are good guys.  Heels are bad guys.  Heels make their careers on being foils to the good guys.  Usually, in real life, “good guys” are divas and heels are nice.  In this case, the heel seems to be a real heel.  I tried to defend Wrestler on principle for a couple of weeks, but this guy is just not working out.  He’s sneaky, he lies, he plays sympathy cards, he gloats.  The gloating was horrible.  When I was in fourth grade, I flicked the lights on and off in a class room.  One of my fellow students told on me.  The teacher pulled me and the other kid into the hall and had him tell on me to my face.  After he ratted me out again, he looked up at the teacher, smiled, and said, “Let me know if you need anything else.” What a gloating gloater.  That’s what Wrestler is like.

HUNTER
Poor, poor Hunter.  He’s sitting in a hot tub with a beautiful girl who is looking for love, and this is his big move: “I love to love, that’s what I always say.” Game over.

I understood him when he was talking about being uncomfortable with moving into dating quickly.  It would definitely be weird to start a relationship on tv. But, you’re on The Bachelorette.  You gotta play to win, playa.  Hopefully things work out for our kid Hunter, who seems like a genuinely good guy.

ROSE CEREMONY
I like Steve, because he looks like Steve Young, the great NFL quarterback/family man/lawyer.   I was bummed he didn’t get a rose.  I’m not sure who the other guy was.

NEXT WEEK
The promo for next week’s episode – wow.  Kasey’s singing proved that the United State of America is the greatest country in the world. My countdown clock to next Monday is running.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Roberto
2. Captain Kirk
3. Cape Cod Chris
4. Frank
5. Kasey
6. Justin
7. Guy with Tattoos who Hates Oysters
8. Craig (Fake Vin Diesel)
9. Fake Joel Olsteen
10. Ty

The Bachelorette Ep 2: The Forecast Calls for Banana Hammocks

Things are heating up in the Bachelorette house!  First dates, Weatherman vs McDreamy battles, blurred out Speedos, and shirtless Bradley Cooper abound in these two hours of reality tv gold.

THE FRANK DATE
Frank and Allie are a solid match, because they both laugh like maniacs all the time.  For the First First Date of the season, Allie and Frank drove a classic car through Los Angeles. Part One was a cuddle session under the Hollywood sign. Part Two was gettin crunk on Mulholland Drive. Also, they made it to first base. Frank seems kind of like a Friend Zone kind of guy, but he really went into Warrior Mode at makeout time. He’s a contender.

BREAKTIME
Commercials taught me that women and smart and pervy. I asked my wife why the A-Team movie bought ad space on this girl show. “Bradley Cooper with his shirt off? You don’t see the appeal for girls?” Then there was a Twilight commercial, which featured a sparkly Brit and Native American jailbait. This is why girls are smart. They want guys to take them to see Twilight, which has shirtless men. Pervy. But its a romantic movie, so if we don’t take then, we are unromantic. Either they see shirtless men or we are in trouble. Checkmate.

Then there was a commercial with women in bras wondering why people were looking at their boobs. I will tell you why – because you have no shirt on. That is why people aren’t practicing active listening skills in your conversations. If I was wearing a zebra-print Speedo, I think the same thing might happen. Which brings me to my next point.

PHOTO SHOOT
The guys had to do a photo shoot for a charity calendar.  Guys in Speedos are always funny. Sometimes, Speedos are a clue that the Olympics or a major pro-wrestling event are happening right in front of you.

I have Speedos. They are bright orange.

Anyway, Allie also posed with the guys for this charity calendar. She’s pretty photogenic, in the non-sexed-up girl next door kind of way. This is why girls like her.

VEGAS DATE
Las Vegas clubs look awesome, and this Southern guy is going home soon. Allie probably wants somebody more engaging.  I give him two weeks.

MCDREAMY DRAMA
McDreamy is a weirdo. He’s like a middle school bully with an ascot and a drinking problem. He hates Weatherman. I hope they get a spinoff where they take a road trip together across America. Weatherman is equally fixated on McDreamy. I think they love each other.
McDreamy’s best friend is fake Vin Diesel.

ROBERTO
Roberto reveals he was a major league baseball player. Allie is in love with him. What she doesn’t know is that baseball players have horrible reputations. They like to take a lot of batting practice, if you know what I mean. This guy is still number one, but I think he might have a girl outside of the show. I hope I’m wrong.

ROSE CEREMONY
Fake Joel Olsteen got a rose! Fake Vin Diesel got a rose! Weatherman got a rose! McDreamy went home. Pretty sure he did his best to join the mile high club on the way home. We can only assume his slurred, lecherous words and erratic movements were misinterpreted by flight attendants as a terroristic threat.  Best guess is that he’s currently detained in Cuba.

This is the best show on tv.
CONTENDORS
Frank
Roberto
Cape Cod Chris
Some other guys

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Allie said she was looking for four things in a guy:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Quirky
4. ?????

What is the fourth thing???