In this episode, we (Ali and I) learned a few important life lessons.
TURKEY IS AWESOME
1990s pop music taught us that Istanbul was Constantinople. What it didn’t teach us is that Istanbul is the best city in the history of Earth. The architecture, the bathhouses, and the semi-nude Turkish wrestlers who battle foreigners should all be considered national treasures. I would like to personally thank the ABC executives not only for LOST, but also for the important public service they provided by showing us Turkey.
JUSTIN IS NOT A GOOD GUY
Finally, at long last, we found out which guy has a girlfriend. It was Justin. The horrible, horrible Canadian. Justin, you are a disgrace to Ryan Reynolds and Keanu Reeves. They are the REAL Rated-Rs of Canada. You, sir, you are a charlatan. GOOD DAY, SIR.
If you don’t watch The Bachelorette, let me explain Justin to you. If you are a girl, Justin is the cheesy player who said all kinds of BS to you so you would make out with him. The, after the fact, you wanted to kill him with your bare hands. If you are a guy, Justin is the skeezy guy who made out with a girl you liked, even though everyone but her knew he was no good. That’s Justin, only he (1) is a pro-wrestler, (2) embarrassed Ali on national tv, and (3) had two other girlfriends the entire time.
THE TY DATE
Ali and Ty went to a bathhouse and hugged each other awkwardly in steam for about twenty minutes. Ty also revealed the reason he got divorced is that his wife had a job. Also, he “loves being married”.
Ali. Ali. Ali. You are dedicated to your career. You quit The Bachelor for your job. You told a contestant you are anything but traditional. You are looking for love. Are you considering marrying a guy who divorced his wife because she had a job?
Ty does not pass The Dude Test.
Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Captain Kirk, and Craiger went on the group date. The activity? Get half-naked, put on some leather pants, cover yourself in olive oil, and wrestle some Turkish men. Two points:
- Every guy on this date was cool. You could tell because they were nice and they didn’t get divorced because their wives had jobs.
- Ali should pick one of these guys.
Poor Craiger defeated the other three guys only to go on a date with an uninterested Ali. I thought she was going to taze him during dinner. He seems like an alright guy, so I felt pretty bad for him. He was totally oblivious to her lack of interest.
Frank dates are always a mess. This poor guy is so mousy and manic. Ali is really into him, which means he doesn’t really like her. This date went fine I guess, but in the promo for next week, we see that he’s just not that into her.
Poor Ali is a mess. In the promo for next week, she wonders aloud if there’s something wrong with her. The answer is no and yes. No, nothing is wrong with Ali. She seems like a great girl. But, she’s emotionally invested in guys on a game show. At least two of the guys were there for the wrong reasons, and she’s having to go through the fallout of being used. I like Ali a lot now, so I wish she would’ve just registered for E-Harmony and called it a day after the Jake fiasco.
This episode was pretty depressing. I felt bad for Ali, and I felt bad for watching a reality show that manipulates people for ratings (ABC totally knew about Justin and Frank). Finally, I felt bad for Kirk and Chris, who were clearly not born to wrestle shirtless Turks.
Hopefully next week will be less Empire Strikes Back and more Return of the Jedi.