The Bachelorette Ep 2: The Forecast Calls for Banana Hammocks

Things are heating up in the Bachelorette house!  First dates, Weatherman vs McDreamy battles, blurred out Speedos, and shirtless Bradley Cooper abound in these two hours of reality tv gold.

THE FRANK DATE
Frank and Allie are a solid match, because they both laugh like maniacs all the time.  For the First First Date of the season, Allie and Frank drove a classic car through Los Angeles. Part One was a cuddle session under the Hollywood sign. Part Two was gettin crunk on Mulholland Drive. Also, they made it to first base. Frank seems kind of like a Friend Zone kind of guy, but he really went into Warrior Mode at makeout time. He’s a contender.

BREAKTIME
Commercials taught me that women and smart and pervy. I asked my wife why the A-Team movie bought ad space on this girl show. “Bradley Cooper with his shirt off? You don’t see the appeal for girls?” Then there was a Twilight commercial, which featured a sparkly Brit and Native American jailbait. This is why girls are smart. They want guys to take them to see Twilight, which has shirtless men. Pervy. But its a romantic movie, so if we don’t take then, we are unromantic. Either they see shirtless men or we are in trouble. Checkmate.

Then there was a commercial with women in bras wondering why people were looking at their boobs. I will tell you why – because you have no shirt on. That is why people aren’t practicing active listening skills in your conversations. If I was wearing a zebra-print Speedo, I think the same thing might happen. Which brings me to my next point.

PHOTO SHOOT
The guys had to do a photo shoot for a charity calendar.  Guys in Speedos are always funny. Sometimes, Speedos are a clue that the Olympics or a major pro-wrestling event are happening right in front of you.

I have Speedos. They are bright orange.

Anyway, Allie also posed with the guys for this charity calendar. She’s pretty photogenic, in the non-sexed-up girl next door kind of way. This is why girls like her.

VEGAS DATE
Las Vegas clubs look awesome, and this Southern guy is going home soon. Allie probably wants somebody more engaging.  I give him two weeks.

MCDREAMY DRAMA
McDreamy is a weirdo. He’s like a middle school bully with an ascot and a drinking problem. He hates Weatherman. I hope they get a spinoff where they take a road trip together across America. Weatherman is equally fixated on McDreamy. I think they love each other.
McDreamy’s best friend is fake Vin Diesel.

ROBERTO
Roberto reveals he was a major league baseball player. Allie is in love with him. What she doesn’t know is that baseball players have horrible reputations. They like to take a lot of batting practice, if you know what I mean. This guy is still number one, but I think he might have a girl outside of the show. I hope I’m wrong.

ROSE CEREMONY
Fake Joel Olsteen got a rose! Fake Vin Diesel got a rose! Weatherman got a rose! McDreamy went home. Pretty sure he did his best to join the mile high club on the way home. We can only assume his slurred, lecherous words and erratic movements were misinterpreted by flight attendants as a terroristic threat.  Best guess is that he’s currently detained in Cuba.

This is the best show on tv.
CONTENDORS
Frank
Roberto
Cape Cod Chris
Some other guys

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Allie said she was looking for four things in a guy:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Quirky
4. ?????

What is the fourth thing???