This week, Ali and her boys ditched the Left Coast to head east. Everyone was happy to hear they’d be traveling the world, trying to win Ali’s heart. You could tell all the guys were happy because they were hi-fiving. It is physically impossible to hi-five someone if you are unhappy. It would be like putting two positively charged magnets together. Impossible. Watching the home videos of all the guys at the airport was cool, because it seems like everyone who’s left has become pretty good friends now. I would like to hang out with this group of guys, presumably to talk about connections and gym routines.
This week the action moved to New York City. The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps. The Big Easy. The Ol’ Blue Eyes. The Motor City. The Big D. Something something something dreams are made of, there’s nothing you can’t do. Now you’re in New York.
Remember a couple of weeks ago when Casey said he wanted to showcase his voice by doing karaoke for Ali? This is the week when Casey’s dreams came true. Twice.
This date taught us that Casey is an impromptu singing master. We learned that the songs just come to him. Like a divine miracle, or diarrhea.
Song One happened while Casey and Ali were having a picnic and waiting for their obligatory helicopter ride. They were sitting on a blanket and then he went, off into song. A foot away from Ali. I want to be respectful of Casey and his attempt to win Ali, but I have to describe the song a little bit. It was like a drunk robot got a hold of an autotune microphone and tried to freestyle.
I need to pause and say that Ali is an absolute saint. A saint! She just sat there and absorbed the music. She didn’t giggle or wince or cry or anything. She’s a great Bachelorette. Ali, I know for a fact that you are reading this, so I want to say good job.
Casey and then Ali went to a closed museum for a date. I’ve been to the museum, but I don’t remember seeing Ali or Casey there, and I definitely don’t remember Casey staring at me and asking me to jump into his heart.
After some awkward moments yelling at exhibits and reminding Ali that her name is Ali, Casey once again breaks into song. Then, Ali breaks his heart by not giving him a rose. She was so diplomatic about the whole thing. I think we should send her to BP, North Korea, the Middle East. I think everyone will listen to her.
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
Next, all the guys have to audition for the producers of Broadway’s The Lion King. Ali and one lucky guy will be performing as backup dancers in a real Broadway show. I was out of the room for the auditions, but apparently Roberto is a good dancer. (What a cliche! Everyone knows baseball players dance!) He is also a horrible singer, but Ali loves him and his Rico Suava ways, so he wins.
I came back into the room right on time for rehearsals. Ali and Roberto were wearing skimpy flesh-colored leotards and zipping around the air on wires. All their dates involve wires. I’m not sure what exactly they were doing up there, but there seemed to be some second base involved. It looked like they were attempting to keep the circle of life rolling forward.
Come on producers, call the game.
CAPTAIN KIRK’S POWER PLAY
Ali got sick, presumably from Casey’s singing and all the mid-air groping. Kirk told her to not worry about hanging out with the guys, but to get some rest. By rest, he meant, let’s make out in your room. So they did.
CAPE CODE CHRIS DATE
Even though Ali was sick, she wanted to hang out with Chris. So, he went and bought her flowers and soup. Good move by Cape Cod Chris. He’s husband material. I can’t tell if Ali’s really into him or if she just thinks he’s a good guy.
WEATHERMAN SINGS TO ALI
Weatherman told the camera that he’s a singer-songwriter. That sentence was a pretty good hint his song would be a trainwreck. And it was. It was a perfect mix of Bret Michaels and Casey. It’s a warbly, acoustic power ballad of awkwardness and desire. Weatherman means well, but he’s too goofy to win.
By this point, Ali is so battle-hardened that she didn’t even flinch. She just sat there with a thousand-yard stare. I imagine she was daydreaming about Roberto.
CASEY GETS AN ALI TATTOO
I can’t even write about this. I can’t believe a producer didn’t calm this guy down. He got a tattoo reflectinghis desire to “guard and protect” the heart of a girl he met on a gameshow. And to reflect his kinship with the other dudes on the gameshow. ABC, you better pay for his laser tattoo removal.
Jesse and Weatherman are out. I’ll miss Weatherman and his cheeseball jokes. Best of luck to you, bro.
Fake Joel Olsteen is still a contender! How? I’ve never seen him talk to Ali. Who is he? I did learn his name is Chris N.
- Cape Cod Chris
- Fake Joel Olsteen