Hello Jell-O

I enjoy science fiction.

I enjoy science fiction, video games, romantic comedies, and Hallmark movies.  I’m a married Christian in a liberal city.  I’m a lawyer.  I’m an introvert.  I’m balding.  In other words, I’m a mess.  A nerd, a sap, a bigot, a greedy capitalist, a snob, a dork.

Of course, I don’t believe those things about myself.  Or do I?  The proof, they say, is in the pudding.  So what’s in the pudding?  Let’s dig around and see.

I can’t think of a social situation where I’m not nervous, apologetic, and worried about appearances.  I’m ashamed of myself for no discernible reason.  What a sad, twisted worldview.  It’s also a dangerous one, because it runs in direct opposition to what God tells us about us.

In Genesis, God says that humanity is very good. (Genesis 1:31)  In the Gospel, Jesus says God loves us and wants to redeem us, not condemn us. (John 3:16-17)  In Romans 8, Paul tells us there is no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ.  In his letter to Timothy, Paul tells us that God didn’t give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and discipline. (II Timothy 1:7) In 1 John 4:18, we learn that there’s no fear in perfect love.  So, what’s not currently in the pudding is truth.

In other words, the reason I’m a hot mess is because I’m believing lies. There’s no reason for me to be embarrassed about being a happily married, balding, sci-fi loving follower of Jesus.  That’s who I am.  It’s who God made me to be. It’s very good.

So.  The pudding mix is changing.  No more shoulder shrugs, no more deflections.  There will be no poop in my pudding!  I’m hand-made by God, so I’m very good.  So are you.  You are very good.  Believe it.  It’s true.

The Last Enemy That Shall Be Destroyed Is Death

I think we are at most times deluded in thinking that we are totally responsible for our circumstances, but in the end almost everything is beyond our control to a high degree and we can’t even be sure we will wake up tomorrow. Whether you believe that God created you for a purpose, or that the world is governed by blind chance, everything in life is a gift at its core; we are beggars all.  - Dustin Kensrue

Choose Your Own Adventure Part III

This is the cleanup round.

RYAN REYNOLDS
As Val pointed out, I made a nearly unforgivable mistake.  I left out Ryan Reynolds.  Woe to the man who ignores Canadian superheroes!

First, let’s look at the work:

• Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place (tv)
• Van Wilder
• Scrubs (tv)
• Harold & Kumar
• Blade: Trinity
• The Amityville Horror
• Waiting
• Just Friends
• The Nines
• Chaos Theory
• Definitely Maybe
• Adventureland
• The Proposal

Interesting.  He oscillates between blue comedies, rom-coms, indies, and action.  He can jump around so easily because he’s likable as a person.  There aren’t that many genuinely charming people in Hollywood anymore.  No crazy scandals, no sex tape, no diva stories.  Just a nice guy.

Personality-wise, he’s half Tom Hanks (likable) and half Jimmy Stewart (creep when necessary).  I can’t make him my winner because I wouldn’t to be in so many blue movies.

One more guy of note:

BILL HADER
Also stars in too many blue movies for me, but he’s got a funny list:

• Knocked Up
• Hot Rod
• Superbad
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall
• Pineapple Express
• Tropic Thunder
• Adventureland
• Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
• Saturday Night Live (tv)

It’s a little hypocritical to enjoy movies that I wouldn’t feel comfortable being part of, but I know myself.  I would flip out if I was in a hard-R comedy.  I’d worry about my family and influence and things like that too much.  My Hollywood career would probably lie in quality tv and Definitely Maybe/Letters to Juliet rom-coms.

I Think You Should Pass Go

When I was a kid, I used to love board games.  Monopoly, Connect Four, Scrabble, Battleship, Life, etc.  When I grew up, though, I got all snarky and cocky.

“Board games?” I would snort, “Ha ha ha, more like bored games!”

Unfortunately, no one understood my joke.  Homophones work better in print.  My jokes were always horrible.  That’s why I sat alone at lunch.  Just kidding!  I sat with the librarian.  Not really.  I was actually really popular.  Ok, full disclosure, I was only popular with the librarians.

BUT, lately, my social circle and I have gotten back into games.  Let’s break down the Three Bs of Gaming.

• BUDDIES:  Board games are basically the adult version of having friends come over to play.  You don’t need to go out and (over)eat, or go party and accidentally throw up on law enforcement again, or sit in the dark and watch a movie.  Instead, you can sit together at a table and goof off.  Sports are also a great way to do this, but that involves athleticism, which may not be your forte.  Unless you are Dani, who once got me in a headlock and took me to the ground during a college class.*  She is athletic.
• BATTLE:  Friendly competition is fun.  Sure, every group has the one hyper-competitive friend.  But, be honest, talking about that psycho is one of the perks of having that person as a friend.  You love ‘em.
• BUDGET:  Games are always on sale somewhere, or you can get them at Half-Price Books.  OR, you can just text your friends and see what they have laying around.  Between all of you, you’ve probably got a lot of options.  Maybe you can pool the money you would’ve spent on other entertainment and have the winning team pick a charity to send your money to.  Win win!

I’m sure my finely-tuned persuasive skills have won you over to the joys of gaming. Maybe you’re wondering where to start.  Try these:

• Apples to Apples
• Battle of the Sexes (there will be fights)
• BS
• Life
• Mexican Train
• Monopoly
• Outburst
• Liar’s Dice
• Phase Ten
• Rolit
• Settlers of Catan
• Skip-Bo
• Uno

You may have noticed that a lot of the links above lead to Board Game Geek, which is a valuable resource if you’re interested in learning about less mainstream games.  You can also trade games, buy games, etc.  Anyone interested in Dancing Eggs?  The Werewolves of Millers Hollow?  This is my favorite new one.

I hope I’ve won you over.  Game night?  Anybody?

*Not really.  She did that in the hall during our class break time.

Choose Your Own Adventure Part II

In Part I, I compared several of my favorite actors’ movie careers.  In the end, I decided that if I could live out one career, it would be that of Bruce Willis.  In Part II, I’m looking at actresses.

NATALIE PORTMAN
In addition to speaking five languages, getting published in multiple science journals, and attending an Ivy League school, Natalie Portman also has a hobby. What is it?  Being in awesome movies.

• The Professional
• Heat
• Star Wars
• Garden State
• Closer
• V for Vendetta
• The Darjeeling Limited
• The Other Boleyn Girl
• Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Best Portman moments:

• Going from Sam in Garden State to Jane in Closer.  Acting prowess!

Action, sci-fi, politicals movies, adapted from stage dramas, indies, etc, etc. Well done, Ms. Portman.  Well done.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I think she’d actually get more respect if she wasn’t so pretty.  Remember, when Lost in Translation came out, everyone was in love with her.  Backlash is just inevitable these days, I suppose.  Plus, she snagged Ryan Reynolds, which I guess makes her one of the most envied women in the world or something.

• The Horse Whisperer
• Lost in Translation
• Girl with a Pearl Earring
• The Island
• The Prestige
• The Other Boleyn Girl
• Robot Chicken (tv)
• Iron Man 2
• The Avengers (rumored)

Again, this is a varied list.  She’s younger than me, but she’s held her own in all kinds of movies with several of Hollywood’s leading men.  Also, she made a great cd with Pete Yorn.  As a side note, her career is pretty similar to Ryan Reynolds’.  They’re both in an out of indies and big movies, and they dabble in all genres.  Also, she was great on SNL.

SANDRA BULLOCK
I’ll let the list speak for itself:

• Speed
• The Net
• A Time to Kill
• Hope Floats
• Miss Congeniality
• George Lopez (tv)
• The Proposal
• The Blind Side

Highlights:

• Improbably ordering a pizza online on The Net
• All of The Blind Side
• All of Miss Congeniality

Everyone in the world loves Sandra Bullock.  If Sandra Bullock lived in Forks, Washington, then vampires and werewolves would get along.  If Sandra Bullock looks directly at you, you gain a superpower for 40 minutes.  The Most Interesting Man in the World got nervous when he met Sandra Bullock. If Sandra Bullock rides in your car, it becomes a hybrid.  If Sandra Bullock touches bread, it becomes buttered toast.

CAMERON DIAZ
I know she isn’t known for being the world’s best actress, but she’s been in a lot of good movies.  Look!

• The Mask
• My Best Friend’s Wedding
• A Life Less Ordinary
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
• There’s Something About Mary
• Being John Malkovich
• Any Given Sunday
• Shrek
• Vanilla Sky
• Minority Report
• Gangs of New York
• The Holiday

Say what you want about her, but that’s quite a list.  Opposite Jim Carrey, Julia Roberts, Ewan MacGregor, Malk, Pacino, Ben Stiller, Tom Cruise, DiCaprio, and Daniel Day Lewis.  Cameron gets it done.

ALSO RANS
I thought about adding Ellen Page, Isla Fisher, Rachel Weisz, Anne Hathaway, and Reese Witherspoon.

WINNER
Scar Jo!  Critically acclaimed movies, rom-coms, period pieces, Woody Allen muse, awesome action movies, she makes good music on the side, and she bagged a dreamboat.  Easy pick.

Who did I forget?

The Bachelorette Ep 9: This is What it Sounds Like When Yuppies Cry

Here it is.  The episode we’ve been waiting for.  The one where Frank finally gets around to telling Ali he’s in love.  With someone else.  Word on the web is that Frank knew this going into taping and tried to back out of the show, but the producers wouldn’t let him.  Supposedly, the Bachelor(ette) picks the top four before taping even begins.  Frank was obviously one of the top four, so they forced him to stay.  I don’t know if the pre-show picking buzz is true or not, but it would explain why Frank has been acting so crazy.

Anyway, this is the episode where Ali samples the milk without buying the cattle herd.  Let’s do this.

ROBERTO
Roberto and Ali went on a helicopter ride, then they started making out all over Tahiti.  Then, they ate dinner.  Then, they walked to their seaside suite for an “Overnight Date”, which is Disney slang for “sexual intimacy”.  I feel dirty.

CAPE COD CHRIS
I have to stop right here for a minute.  Chris knows that Ali and Roberto had an “Overnight Date” that ended maybe, oh, forty minutes before his date.  Here is my policy on finding a soulmate:

If your girl just finished having an “Overnight Date” with someone else and then immediately goes on a date with you, she is not your soulmate.

Chris and Ali went on a boat ride.  Then, they found some pearls.  Then, they walked to their seaside suite for an “Overnight Date”, which is Disney slang for “sexual intimacy”.  I feel dirty.

FRANK
Instead of going to Tahiti, Frank decided to stay in Chicago and talk things out with his ex, because he still loves her.  He didn’t want to propose to Ali when he loved someone else.  I have to stop right here for a minute.  If I’m Frank, I’m also going to Chicago instead of Tahiti.  Because my girl in Chicago (1) likes me and (2) did not just have “Overnight Dates” with two other guys.   I am firmly in Camp Frank.  After staring at his ex for awhile and then crying, Frank heads to Tahiti.  He’s got some bad new for Ali.

Before that confrontation, though, Frank talks things out with Chris, the show’s host.  Chris says he is shocked by the news that Frank is in love with someone else.  I find that hard to believe.  First, he had to know that Frank had a camera crew following him around to his ex’s apartment.  Second, if the rumor is true, he knew Frank wanted out.  That’s not the important thing.  The important thing is Frank’s conversation with Ali, which will be known as The Rumble in the Jungle.

Ali, fresh off her second Overnight Date, was excited to see Frank.  She wasn’t so excited when Frank revealed he was in love with someone else. To recap: The girl who was dating 25 guys and just slept with two of them was upset.

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Sorry, I had to call my dog over to give me the Heimlich, because I was choking on the double standard.  Back to the Rumble.  Frank and Ali sat in beach chairs and cried yuppie tears for forty minutes about what a horrible situation they were in.  Frank found his soulmate and Ali had two awesome guys on call, ready to overnight date and propose.  Wait, what’s the problem!  Everybody found love!  This is like Sweet Home Alabama, It’s a Guy Thing, and Get Over It combined.  Ali and Frank need Netflix.

WHAT’S NEXT
The way things are going right now, either Cape Cod Chris or Roberto will be heartbroken.  I can’t have that.  I think Chris and Roberto should get a buddy sitcom, and Ali should get with Jake.  He’s single, right? Win win win.  ABC, are you reading this?  Get me a production deal!

The Pursuit of God

Christianaudio.com is great, because each month they offer a free audiobook download.

This month’s offering is A.W. Tozer’s classic, The Pursuit of God.  The book is short, and the audio file is only about three hours long.  You can easily knock that out in a week of commuting, housework, and exercise.

Get to it!

The Bachelorette Ep 8: Meet the Fockers

Due to the rioting of my female readers, I decided I better throw up a quick recap of last Monday’s show.

If you aren’t familiar with the Bachelor(ette), here’s a quick rundown of the week:  The Bachelor(ette) travels around the country and spends a day with four of his/her potential soulmates’ families.  Each family (1) hangs out in the living room, (2) eats some food, and (3) plays with a dog or a child.   Then, one or both of the parents throws some softball questions at the Bachelor(ette).  Finally the parent inevitably blesses the unholy union.  If my son was on the Bachelorette and wanted me to bless his relationship, here’s what I would do.  I would shake my head “no” and squirt everyone involved with a SuperSoaker.  No!  Anyway, let’s meet the parents.

ROBERTO
Ali is in love with Roberto.  Do you know how I know? When she saw him, she started jumping up and down and twirling around.  I just gave my dog a Milk-Bone, and he behaved in the exact same way. I repeat – Ali is in love with Roberto!

To start this family date, Rob took our girl Ali to his college baseball field, where they again played catch.  Ali was too smitten to realize that he already did this move on her once.  Doesn’t matter.

Roberto’s family is cool.  His mom is superpretty, his dad is a retired Army Ranger, and they ended the evening by Latin dancing in the living room.  Do you know who wouldn’t want to be a part of this family?  The answer is nobody.  Hold on, I’m so inspired by the Martinez family that I have to go dance.

CAPE COD CHRIS
Cape Cod Chris has a puppy that runs around on the beach. I repeat, Cape Cod Chris loves puppies!  This guy’s family is awesome.  The hoary, wise father, the goofy brothers, the sweet sister in laws.  Have you ever seen a critically acclaimed movie where a couple goes home to a giant house with a big family?  (Rachel Getting Married, The Family Stone, Dan in Real Life, The Proposal, The Last Kiss, Wedding Crashers, etc.) Cape Cod Chris’ family is like that, but without any drama.  Just the cool house and a beach view.

I don’t know any straight girl who wouldn’t want to end up with a guy like Chris.

CAPTAIN KIRK
The first thing that Kirk’s father said to Ali was, “Do you wanna go see my basement?”  The second thing he said was, “You go first.”  That’s all you need to know.

FRANK
This guy is such a buzzkill.  All he does complain and wonder aloud about the future of Ali and Frank.  It’s not even cool brooding.  It’s just lame.  Still, we learned that Frank is in love with someone else! Frank was able to get two girls to love him at once! I one has a puppy.  The other guy lives in his parents’ basement and has a girlfriend.  You’re a smart girl.  Do the math.

NEXT WEEK
Next week, the final three accompany Ali to a tropical island, where she is allowed to have her way with them.  I’m not kidding.  This show is owned by Disney! What a world.

The Day of Jubilee

In the Old Testament, every once in awhile, people got to have their debts forgiven.  This was called the Year of Jubilee.  I am proposing the Day of Jubilee.  This is the day when you can honk at people, eat whatever you want, profess your undying crush on the person across the hall from you at work, moonwalk in public, whatever.  And it’s forgiven.  It’s in bounds.  Here’s how it works:

• Each year, you get four Day of Jubilee vouchers from the federal (or state, if you are libertarian) government.
• After committing a social faux pas, you hand the card to the person/group you committed the faux pas against.  They immediately understand your action and accept it.  They can accept what you said or ignore it.
• There are no consequences to your actions.
• EXCEPTIONS: Violent crime, theft, destruction on entire homes.

That’s it.  Other than that, you can do whatever you want.  Burn cars, get plastered at work and hit on your hot boss, play video games for two days straight, whatever.  The Day of Jubilee is yours!

Who’s with me?!?

Drink it up.

You know another thing I like about Comfort Suites?  The continental breakfast area has a water fountain.  Why bother with cups, ice machines, and bottled water? A fountain flowing with life giving water is a way better option.

I think I’ve probably said this before, but why can’t we have water fountains in our homes?  I sat down and wrote a list of the reasons why having a water fountain in the house was a bad idea.  Here is my list:

NOTHING!  There is nothing on the list, because having a water fountain in your house is a great idea.  As soon as Sam and I buy a house, we’re definitely looking into this.