In this episode, Ali went on some dates, got drunk, and wore some wild clothes. Then, she kicked Ty to the curb. The Portuguese curb.
THE ROBERTO DATE
Roberto danced with Ali in the middle of the street. ROMANCE! Then, they ate a candlelit dinner. I guess I could’ve just typed, “Roberto was Roberto, and that made Ali giggle with joy.” Because that’s how it went.
Us Latin men have a saying. I’m not making this saying up. I learned it from a man named Cecilio. Here is the saying: Once you go brown, you’ll always stick around. Just conferred with my wife, she says this statement is true.
THE GROUP DATE
In this barn-burner of a romantic evening, Ali was forced to go on a date with Ty and Frank. This particular outing consisted of a helicopter ride and a candlelit dinner for three. Our girl looked really bored. The helicopter ride didn’t even phase her. Rather than engage in small talk with the boys at dinner, she decided to get plastered on wine. Exactly what I would’ve done. Props to our girl. Things I would rather do than hang out with the Ty/Frank tag team:
- Watch extended cut of Vagisil Feminine Wash commercial
- Wrestle Turks
- Clean the hot tub at the Bachelor Pad house
THE CAPTAIN KIRK DATE
Kirk got to accompany Ali on a “fairy tale” date, which meant a busty witch put a spell on Ali that knocked her out until the prince/orphan Kirk could kiss her. And also Ali was a mermaid who befriended little people and a lobster. And also Kirk had a pet monkey. Just kidding! The hung out in a castle.
THE CAPE COD CHRIS DATE
You can’t see, but I’m typing this paragraph with my face. That’s because my hands are busy slow-clapping for Cape Cod Chris, who absolutely owned this date.
This date included scooters, a winery, and some inner-thigh to inner-thigh contact. AKA “The Joey Special”.
Reasons why Cape Cod Chris is the man:
- Horrible at scootering. HORRIBLE! Swore, drove 3mph, had no problem with Ali taking over. Did you see him wave his arms in terror when she start zipping down the hill? Genuine.
- Saved his gift (a handmade bracelet) for her until he was sure he liked her. Genuine.
- Made fun of her drinking. Genuine.
- Can articulate what family means to him without using two cliches per sentence. Genuine.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Ty didn’t get a rose. Ali stood in the rain and watched his limo pull away. Her lower lip was sticking out. I think she was still drunk.
JAKE AND VIENNA BROKE UP
Chris Harrison hosted a special post-breakup conversation with Jake and Vienna, last year’s Bachelor couple. They don’t seem to get along anymore. At one point, Vienna called Jake a fame whore.
It’s hard to argue with that statement, since Jake went on a nationally televised game show to date a bunch of women, participated in Dancing with the Stars, and started an acting career. Then, he publicized his breakup in national magazines and a national tv show.
Vienna, of course, also went on a nationally televised game show to date a man, participated in Dancing with the Stars, and then publicized her breakup story in national magazines and a national tv show.
Who is to blame for the breakup? Me. It’s all my fault for watching and reading.*
- Cape Cod Chris
*Social commentary/brooding of the week.