The Bachelorette Ep 8: Meet the Fockers

Due to the rioting of my female readers, I decided I better throw up a quick recap of last Monday’s show.

If you aren’t familiar with the Bachelor(ette), here’s a quick rundown of the week:  The Bachelor(ette) travels around the country and spends a day with four of his/her potential soulmates’ families.  Each family (1) hangs out in the living room, (2) eats some food, and (3) plays with a dog or a child.   Then, one or both of the parents throws some softball questions at the Bachelor(ette).  Finally the parent inevitably blesses the unholy union.  If my son was on the Bachelorette and wanted me to bless his relationship, here’s what I would do.  I would shake my head “no” and squirt everyone involved with a SuperSoaker.  No!  Anyway, let’s meet the parents.

ROBERTO
Ali is in love with Roberto.  Do you know how I know? When she saw him, she started jumping up and down and twirling around.  I just gave my dog a Milk-Bone, and he behaved in the exact same way. I repeat – Ali is in love with Roberto!

To start this family date, Rob took our girl Ali to his college baseball field, where they again played catch.  Ali was too smitten to realize that he already did this move on her once.  Doesn’t matter.

Roberto’s family is cool.  His mom is superpretty, his dad is a retired Army Ranger, and they ended the evening by Latin dancing in the living room.  Do you know who wouldn’t want to be a part of this family?  The answer is nobody.  Hold on, I’m so inspired by the Martinez family that I have to go dance.

CAPE COD CHRIS
Cape Cod Chris has a puppy that runs around on the beach. I repeat, Cape Cod Chris loves puppies!  This guy’s family is awesome.  The hoary, wise father, the goofy brothers, the sweet sister in laws.  Have you ever seen a critically acclaimed movie where a couple goes home to a giant house with a big family?  (Rachel Getting Married, The Family Stone, Dan in Real Life, The Proposal, The Last Kiss, Wedding Crashers, etc.) Cape Cod Chris’ family is like that, but without any drama.  Just the cool house and a beach view.

I don’t know any straight girl who wouldn’t want to end up with a guy like Chris.

CAPTAIN KIRK
The first thing that Kirk’s father said to Ali was, “Do you wanna go see my basement?”  The second thing he said was, “You go first.”  That’s all you need to know.

FRANK
This guy is such a buzzkill.  All he does complain and wonder aloud about the future of Ali and Frank.  It’s not even cool brooding.  It’s just lame.  Still, we learned that Frank is in love with someone else! Frank was able to get two girls to love him at once! I one has a puppy.  The other guy lives in his parents’ basement and has a girlfriend.  You’re a smart girl.  Do the math.

NEXT WEEK
Next week, the final three accompany Ali to a tropical island, where she is allowed to have her way with them.  I’m not kidding.  This show is owned by Disney! What a world.

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