Let’s not waste time with an hour and a half of recaps. Let’s get to it!
- Ali picked Roberto. They are engaged! I want to act like I’m a big deal because I called it from week one. But, you didn’t have to be Veronica Mars to solve this mystery. Ali acted like a psycho every time she was within a 20 foot radius of Roberto. Ali was the opposite of those depression commercials where everyone looks like a serial killer. I hope Ali’s Pavlovian response to her esposo is always uncontrolled giggling and cooing. Discovery should do a special on this.
- Cape Cod Chris didn’t get picked. This was ok with me. America needs another season of this New England hero. I was sure they were going to say he was next season’s Bachelor. But, they didn’t say that. If Cape Cod Chris isn’t next year’s Bachelor, then I am going to hitchhike to Maine with my digital camera and film my own season.
- The only other reasonable choice for Bachelor is Kasey. America hasn’t had enough of Kasey.
- Frank was supposed to be on After the Rose, but he canceled at the last minute. Frank flaked out again. Is anyone in the world flakier than Frank? Nope.
- Ali’s dad was the most reasonable person in the history of reality tv. He said something like, “Do you love my daughter? You barely know her!” That is great, Mr. Fedotowsky. It’s the perfect thing to say to a suitor who dated your daughter on a television show. You are a good dad!
- Ali: “I love getting on machines that go really fast.”
- Here are some Bachelor(ette) cliche vows that should be used in the upcoming wedding: [Name], family is so important to me, and so is sharing every moment with someone I love. For so long, I’ve been hoping to find love. From the moment I saw you, I knew love at first sightwas real. I knew we had a connection. At the first rose ceremony, it was like, like, nothing else was there except you and me. You’re so beautiful, and funny, and smart, and we laugh together, and I feel so happy every time we are together. We’ve gone through so much together, and shared so many moments. I’m so lucky find love with someone so amazing and awesome. You are, like [laughing], so amazing! I’m so lucky! What’s your last name?