Remembering the Sabbath

Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.  Six days a week are set apart for your daily duties and regular work, but the seventh day is a day of rest dedicated to the LORD your God.  On that day no one in your household may do any kind of work.  This includes you, your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, your livestock, and any foreigners living among you.  For in six days the LORD made the heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; then he rested on the seventh day.  That is why the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy.  - Exodus 20:8-11 (The Ten Commandments)

The people of Israel must keep the Sabbath day forever.  It is a permanent sign of my covenant with them.  For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, but he rested on the seventh day and was refreshed.  - Exodus 31:16-17

Six days are set aside for work, but on the Sabbath day you must rest, even during the seasons of plowing and harvest.  - Exodus 34:21

Each week, for six days days only.  The seventh day is a day of total rest, a holy day that belongs to the LORD.  - Exodus 35:2.

Some commands are hard.  (Lookin at you, Gluttony!)  The command to rest should be easy.  Who doesn’t love resting?  I’ll tell you who – me.

I’ve been a Christian my entire life, but do you know how many Sabbath days I have observed?  Two.  And one of them was two days ago.

Actual Conversation Between God and Me
GOD: Jooooeeeeyyy, it’s the Sabbath!  Rest!
JOEY: Yes, of course.
GOD: Joey, I said rest, not  sit and obsess about all of the possible To Do lists you are going to make on Monday, or grocery shopping, or that spontaneous walk you will try and take on Tuesday but you will not take because you are worried about stepping in poop again, or whether or not you will purchase a Tivo, or your homework.
JOEY: But I’ve got SO MUCH work to do.
GOD: Yes, I’m aware of your schedule.
JOEY: But, but, but…
GOD: [Creates crickets just so they can make the cricket noise to highlight the silence.]
JOEY: But that’s the Old Testament!
GOD: But in the New Testament Jesus says not to worry because it doesn’t help anything and birds and flowers get taken care of and they don’t worry. Have you ever seen a flower obsess over productivity?
JOEY: [Sigh.]
GOD: [Considers creating an eighth day to make two Sabbaths, just because he is exhausted from dealing with me.]

Annnnnnd, scene.

Anyway, after seeing how much God hammers home the Sabbath in Exodus, and after reading a book about the Sabbath, I finally gave in.  I tried it.  And it’s great.

Every week, I look forward to Sunday.  I used to dread Sunday because I saw it as the last day of the week(end), and the day before Monday.  Sunday was dread day.  Now, Sunday is more like FUNday can I get a high five?  Sunday is set apart as a gift and an offering.

Sunday is a  gift because it’s a day of true rest.  It’s more than just the absence of doing.  My mind and my body can stay quiet.  It’s a gift because when I let go of my toil and cares, I see that God is my provider and defender.  My family’s well-being doesn’t come from me or Sam, it comes from God.  That feels great.

Sunday is an offering because I am giving away what I usually perceive to be valuable time to get ready for the week or catch up on the previous week. What I’ve noticed, though, is that I’m more productive during the week if I take off Sunday.  I think God blesses our work when we dedicate both our work and our rest to him.

I know I’m only two weeks in to following this particular commandment, but I have to say that I plan on keeping it every week.  Who knew I’d learn so much from reading the Bible?  Oh…

International Cuisine of Espionage and Thievery

I couldn’t make it three straight meals of PIZZA TACO!™.  So, I decided to make a new taco.  This one is called The Carmen Sandiego.

Flour tortilla, 1/3 lb fake meat, bell pepper, grated mozzarella, spinach, Sriracha sauce.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re shaking your head, muttering, “Joey, that’s just a dang taco.” Whatever, man, this thing has mozzarella and rooster sauce!  It’s got ingredients from all over the world, and it’s the best.

The Carmen Sandiego™ and PIZZA TACO!™ are trademarks of the author and were created with the help of Appleton Estate Jamaica Rum.

The Bachelor

Samantha is going to be out of town for three days.  Right now, we’re in day one.  It’s already weird for me and George to live here without a girl.  I believe in transparency so I will tell you all the truth:

The house already smells really weird.

It’s some kind of combination of microwaved cheese, George’s ears, and my running shoes.  I don’t understand what happened.  All I can tell you is that we will not be hosting any events at this apartment anytime soon.

On the upside, I did successfully invent something called “PIZZA TACO!”  It works for breakfast and lunch.  We’ll find out about dinner soon.

Also, I found out it’s nearly impossible to type while upside down.

Say a prayer, friends.

Six Months

Behold, you are beautiful, my love! Behold, you are beautiful! You have captivated my heart, my bride. You have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes.  - Song of Songs 4

The LORD Speaks on Wardrobe Malfunctions

You may not approach my altar by steps.  If you do, someone might look up under the skirts of your clothing and see your nakedness.  - Exodus 20:26.

Political Mad Libs

Are you guys serious?!?  I can’t believe that the [belief system]s actually support [noun].  All they have to do is look at the example of [historical event] and know that [noun] is stupid.  They need to keep up with [news outlet] to get the real story.

Even though half the population agrees with the [belief system]s, it is obvious that no reasonable person would think [noun].  I guess only half of Americans understand the true meaning of America.  The other half are [derogatory belief system].  They hate America.  Not me, though.  I love America and I am RIGHT!

Alternative Music

Alternative music is easily my favorite genre.  I’m talking 1990s.  Maybe it’s because it’s my formative years, maybe it’s the fuzzy guitars and melodies.  I don’t know.  I just know I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for it.  And so, I present, twenty great alternative songs from the 1990s.

Gimme Shelter

Don’t be afraid.  Just stand where you are and watch the LORD rescue you…The LORD himself will fight for you.  You won’t have to life a finger in your defense.  - Exodus 14:13-14.

Monday Monday

When I’m not busy dominating the legal system or swinging signs, I dabble in manual labor.  Today, for instance, I dug a ditch.   Here are some things I learned while digging a ditch:

• It is always a bad idea to attack a water line with a pickaxe.
• When your work involves hoes and laying pipe, people will make jokes.
• I have little to no understanding of basic skills such as plumbing, electrical, gardening, and carpentry.  I think that’s sad and bad.  I could never be Michael Hosea.*
• Water is just the best.  Even when it’s geysering 12 feet in the air because someone hit a pipe with a pickaxe.  It’s great.
• Read the directions.  Save yourself the grief.

*Only because I was born in the 1980s instead of the 1800s.

Frenemies

I love my dog.  I think God made him and he is a wonderful part of Creation and he teaches my family about affection and loyalty and joy and things like that.  At the same time, George is my frenemy.

Friend + Enemy = Frenemy

He keeps eating socks and barfing and/or pooping them out.  He keeps acting like he needs to barf, then just wandering around outside.  I can’t sleep anymore because if I hear him move I jump up and yell, “OUTSIDE?!? OUTSIDE?!?”  I fall asleep with my camping headlamp on.  My own wife thinks I’m crazy.

Last night at 3:30am, George acted like he needed to barf.  I rushed to the door and let him out.  Then he ran down the stairs and disappeared.  He just ran off.  Done.

“Fine, you dork!” I whispered as loudly as I could, headlamp burning into the night.  ”Your call.”  My neighbors probably thinking I’m some kind of pervy Peeping Tom, because I’m always skulking around the hood at 3am.

Anyway, by “Your call,” I meant, “I will storm back into the house and then obsess about being a horrible person for half an hour.”  Because that’s what I did for half an hour.  Then he came back with what looked like a deer shoulder bone in his mouth.  Gross.

He keeps fake barfing, then later real barfing.  I honestly think he is doing his for fun.  I think he likes watching me flip out.  He keeps jumping on the counter and eating MY popcorn.  He keeps eating socks.  He is being a butthead and I don’t know what to do.  What do I do?

Yes, I did take him to the vet.  He’s fine.