Let me break it down: I love food, and food don’t love me back.
The more I enjoy a food, the more likely it is that food will have me rolling around on the kitchen floor. Crying, clutching my gurgling stomach, and asking the heavens why my fat pants are now tight. I don’t even have muffin top anymore, I have mushroom cloud.
You know, me, I’m a guy who likes to get to the bottom of things. Especially plates of nachos, but more on that later. In an effort to understand why most of the food I love hurts so good, I’ve kept a running, categorized diary of everything I eat. Here are the categories:
American Gladiator: I’m probably a couple of pushups away from being cast in The Avengers.
Good: Satiated, perhaps a little “full”.
Hmm: Did I eat too much? Maybe? My teeth feel weird, and I’m a little sluggish. If you try to tickle me, you might get a “sound byte”.
Gross: I feel like I need to take a nap and a shower. And my jeans may need to be unbuttoned if I’m sitting. And leave me alone.
Nuclear Apocalypse: Pray!
And now, let’s see what goes where:
American Gladiator: Vegetarian taco salad, boring (Kashi) cereal with almond milk, Veggie Delight sub from Subway, Amy’s burrito, water, Avocado sandwich
Good: Banana, Veggie Delight sub from Thundercloud, jalapeno cheese kolaches
Hmm: Dos Equis beer, Chili cheese garlic fries, Shipley donut, Miss Vicky’s jalapeno chips, crackers, instant oatmeal
Gross:Dark beer, candy, Apple Jacks, cake, Whoppers (I only had three!), Pumpkin bread + a saad, grilled cheese + chips + candy, cake balls, generic Oreos
Nuclear Apocalypse: Chicken strips and french fries from IHOP.
What does it all mean? How do jalapeno cheese kolaches not make me feel gross? Why was I eating fried chicken from IHOP? I welcome any and all advice from you amateur nutritionists out there.