Category Archives: Television

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The Bachelor Episode 1: Amazing Crazy

It’s that time again.  Chris Harrison and this year’s Bachelor have teamed up for one glorious goal: to find next season’s Bachelorette.  Let’s do this.

THE BACHELOR:

Ben.  Ben is a winemaker from San Francisco.  I like this guy.  His favorite things:

  • Standing in doorways looking outside
  • Kayaking by himself
  • Riding on a tractor
  • Love

Do you remember that 90s Ginuwine song Pony? Poor Ben is the opposite of that song. He is way out of his league with nearly all of these women, and he is loving it.  How do I know this? Because he said, “That is…a pretty lady.”  Cool guys don’t say things like that. (Cool guys are also very boring.)  Ben looks like Zach Braff and he sounds like Jacob from Twilight. I’m afraid he’s going to be eaten alive by this year’s crazy contestants.  I guess if you are a single, semi-nerdy guy, you take that shot.

Ben seems like someone I would hang out with, which is a big plus. I thought Brad was pretty cool, but he’s not the kind of guy I would generally be friends with. Not because I don’t like him, but because we run in different circles. Ben and I don’t know about any workouts that isolate lats.

THE CONTESTANTS:

We’re a decade into the Bachelor(ette) franchise, and at this point the contestants are only very thinly veiling their aspirations to use the show as a springboard to fame.  Of the twenty-five girls, I think two or three seem like they would actually be interested in Ben outside of the show.  A few of the girls stood out:

Lindzi: Lindzi rides horses and is very pretty. Ben has a vineyard which has plenty of room for both pretty girls and horses.  I think things are lining up for these two. She seems genuinely sweet so I hope she stays around for awhile.

Amber: Amber is from Nebraska.  She likes guns and COW BALLS.  Accent, exotic (to CA Ben), pretty. Yes.

Kacie: Kacie is from Tennessee.  She is the Sandra Bullock of the show.  She’s sweet to everyone and pretty and patient and funny. She’s my early frontrunner to win the whole damn thing.

Courtney: Courtney is a “model” from Santa Monica. She said that she loves competition and isn’t worried about her competition. This means that she is worried about her competition and ferociously insecure. I bet she won’t make a ton of friends.  Seacrest says she dumped her long-term boyfriend to get on the show.

Jamie: Jamie is a nurse who raised her siblings. She is pretty and caring and she wants babies. If Ben likes brunettes, it’ll be a tough year for him. Lots of choices.

Jenna: A blogger from NYC.  Kind of reminds me of Anna David. In a meta reference that just blew my mind, I saw that David blogs about the Bachelor and shared an awesome link about weird ways that people found love (ex. firefighter and fire victim, Renaissance Faire fence builders). I thought she seemed interesting. Again with the brunette thing.

OH! Quote from Ben: “I am loving the brunettes!”

Brittney: Brought her grandma to show that she cared about family. From the previews, it looked like Ben was going to handle this poorly, which was sad. In real life, Ben was super nice to Brittney’s grandma and I think he liked Brittney. If he picks a blonde girl, she’s got to be on the short list.

Emily: An aspiring epidemiologist who raps and accidentally sprays Ben in the face with chemicals. Word on the street is that Ben really likes her.

Well, those are the contestants who stood out to me.

LESSONS LEARNED:

The other things that stood out:

The toilet paper commercial where a woman with a serious expression said something like, “It’s time we talked about what we really want out of toilet paper.”  Was this ever even an issue? I’m pretty sure everyone knows what TP is for. Why do we even have advertising for toilet paper? That’s like advertising socks.

I learned two new phrases during the episode: “amazing crazy” and “nicely bubbly”. I have already incorporated both into my everyday speech.

Quote of the show: “I’m going to cut her %$*#%* face off.”  One girl said that about another girl.  Why would you ever say that? Do the toilet paper companies know about this? How much alcohol is consumed on this show?

PREDICTIONS:

Lindzi, Emily, Kacie, blonde girl who got the rose. I liked blonde girl, but I don’t know her name.

My second prediction is that we will see a lot of side cleavage, hear the words love and like a lot, and watch mascara run all over the place as tears and sobs abound.

Love hurts, ladies.

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The Pistolero

Maybe it’s because I’m from Texas, maybe it’s because I’m a homeowner, maybe it’s because of this:

For whatever reason, I think it’s time to learn to shoot a pistol.

Some people love guns, some peopleappreciate them, some people are scared of them.  I think I fall in the middle category.  My dad used to take me hunting when I was a kid, and (under close supervision), I was allowed to shoot cans with a .22 rifle.  I’m semi-used to being around guns, but I don’t feel educated enough to be around them without someone experienced with me.

Some things a guy should just know how to do: change a tire, start a fire, the lambada.  I don’t think handle a pistol is quite in that category, but if LOST taught us anything, it’s that at some point you will have to trudge through the woods with Evangeline Lilly and you will have to point guns at people like you know what the hell you are doing.

Anyway, I think handling and shooting a gun is probably something that I’m going to learn how to do.  I’ll keep you posted on my new hobby.  I’ll also let you know as soon as I buy some Thunderwear.  Yes, Thunderwear.

 

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The Great Ones

Samantha and I just finished powering through season one of The OC.  That was a historic show, because it taught America that all we need to be entertained are the following elements:

  1. Good looking people.
  2. Great soundtrack.
  3. The following dialogue:
  • FEMALE CHARACTER: ……Hey…..
  • MALE CHARACTER: ……………Hey.

Or, in season two:

  • FEMALE CHARACTER: ………Hey…
  • FEMALE CHARACTER: ………Hey…

What rewatching The OC has really taught me, though, is the importance of the fourth element of any great show.  That fourth element? The brooder.

He’s probably good with the ladies, he’s probably got a tortured past, he’s probably a little self-destructive, and he’s probably got a heart of gold.  But life gets in the way.  You know him, but do you know him?  Probably not.  In the Duneons and Dragons world, he is what is known as the chaotic good.    Here are some classic examples of The Brooder:

The weight of the world is so heavy on Ryan Atwood that he physically can't get out of the poolhouse.

 

RYAN (THE OC)
When Ryan isn’t busy trying to leave the poolhouse, he is looking sideways at a friend during an uncomfortable but important conversation, saying “…Hey” to Marissa or some other model, fighting someone who is blonde, or otherwise carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He hates wrongdoers so much that he cannot go 70 minutes without fighting someone or driving across California to right a wrong.

Classic Brooder Attributes: Difficult family life.  Extreme loyalty.  Anger situps.

 

 

 

Sawyer is sad because he couldn't think of a nickname for you.

 

SAWYER (LOST)
When we first meet Sawyer, he seems like an arrogant, dumb hick.  In reality, he’s a thoughtful, well-read guy willing to sacrifice himself for his friends.  So why does he act like a jerk half the time?  Because he can.  Because he doesn’t think he deserves to be happy.  Or just to separate himself from the other lady killer on the island, Jack.  Who knows.  What we do know is that Sawyer loves pretty women, beer, and sulking in his black market tent.  What does Sawyer hate? Wearing a shirt.

Classic Brooder Attributes: Difficult family life.  Shady past.  Loves the booze. Pushes loved ones away for no reason.

 

 

 

Riggins takes a rare break from staring at the ground to stare into the distance.

 

RIGGINS (FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS)

Despite the pearl snap shirts, dirty hair, and ever-present beer, it is important to note that Riggins is not Sawyer.  What’s the difference?  Fifteen years.  Riggins always tries to do the right thing, but his moral code doesn’t always match up the legal code.  He loves helping women in distress.  He hates bathing.

 

Classic Brooder Attributes: Aversion to eye contact, love of booze, affinity for punching peers, extreme loyalty.

 

 

 

 

 

To Helo, injustice smells like a sweaty fart.

 

HELO (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA)

Helo doesn’t give a frak who you are – if you make a questionable moral decision, he’s going to crinkle his nose like you just passed gas, and then give you a lecture or a right hook.  He doesn’t make a lot of friends or easy decisions, but he does make the world a better place.  If you don’t like it, frak you.

Classic Brooder Attributes: Squinting, self-sacrifice, pushups, righteous butt-kicking, getting the girl.

 

LOGAN ECHOLLS (VERONICA MARS)

He’s rich, he’s famous, and he hates you.  Or does he?  Logan seems like a self-destructive nihilist, except that he shows the occasional flash of good, loyalty, or interest in the world around him.  Also, he sometimes has the ability to charm Kristen Bell, which is an all-important ability.

Classic Brooder Attributes: Sitting in the dark, socially uncomfortable but sharp quips, extreme loyalty, fistfights, success with the ladies.

It's not his Jeep, or his pooka shells. Logan doesn't care. Or does he?

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The Bachelor Episode 2, or, My Encounter with Martine

In this episode, Brad took a girl on a date.  The “date” took place at night in the middle of nowhere.  With a flip of a light switch, the middle of nowhere suddenly turned into a carnival!  A real-life, working carnival, devoid of all people.  In other words, it was a horror movie.

It was kind of like this. I KILL YOU!

Then some girls fought with each other and Brad was kind of scared, but also kind of loving every second of it.  I bet this is what being single in LA is like.

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The Bachelor Episode 1: Hamlet

Hey, readers!  It’s that time of year again, the season of roses, polygamy, and connections.  It’s BACHELOR TIME!  Sadly, I won’t be able to memorialize the season as I’ve done in years past.

Here’s why – I have a weird job with long hours, and I don’t have a DVR.  Therefore,  my Bachelor updates will be sporadic at best.  They will also be short.  Unless someone wants to send me a free DVR.  That would be fine.

This year’s Bachelor is Brad Womack.  He is famous for being the brother of country star Lee Ann Womack.  The song I Hope You Dance is about Brad.  Just kidding!

Brad is infamous for his previous run on The Bachelor, in which he decided not to propose to any girl.  For some reason, this made every Bachelor-viewing woman in America hate him.  I don’t understand this position, because it doesn’t make any sense.

Have you ever dated someone, and then decided not to marry that person?  So did Brad!

Have you ever proposed to someone you barely know?  Neither has Brad!

In real life, we would call this a “good decision”.  In the Bachelor world, this makes you slap-worthy.

I just can’t understand why everyone is so mad at Brad.  All the dude did was not sign up for a doomed relationship.   How great would it be if Brad still doesn’t propose to a girl?

Good luck with a house-full of  busty drama, amigo!

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Happy New Year?

There’s no good way to say this, so I’ll just jump in.  Last night I had a dream that I spent New Year’s Eve at a dinner party with beauty and the beast.  It wasn’t the animated Disney version, it was the CBS version that aired in the 1980s.  Remember this?

Photo from Wikimedia

Well, apparently I remember that.  Because last night I had a dream that I spent an evening hanging out with these two, and they were having a passive-aggressive fight the whole night.  It was a real buzzkil,and I have to say that even if Beast was in the right in their argument, he didn’t go about making his case the right way at all.   Read some John Piper and man up, Beast.

Anyway, happy new year!

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The Icon

The place is Dragon’s Lair Comics & Fantasy.  The person on the right is me.  The person on the left is Felicia Day.  THE Felicia Day.  My creative hero.  The girl who writes and stars in The Guild.  The girl who wrote her own comic.  You might also recognize her from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Lie to Me, Eureka, Red, House, Undeclared, or the video game Fallout: New Vegas.

Yes, meeting my creative hero was awesome.  She was as gracious, friendly, and down-to-earth as I had hoped.  No, I couldn’t think of anything great to say.  All I got out was, “Thank you for coming to say hi to us…”  I’m sure she had never heard anyone say something as groundbreaking as that.  Ugh.  Oh well.  At least I didn’t throw up all over myself.

Anyway, big thanks to Dragon’s Lair and Felicia Day for making that meetup happen.  Maybe one day I’ll be on the other side of the table.  Maybe one day some nerdy, creative type will be thankful that they didn’t vomit all over me.  That’s the dream.

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My Emmys

Every year I wish my favorite shows and actors had won an Emmy.  This year, I’m being proactive.  These are the shows and actors I think deserve awards.  Some categories are sparse in nominees.  That’s because in my mind, it was no contest.  Winners are in bold:

BEST DRAMA
Friday Night Lights
Mad Men
LOST

BEST COMEDY
Community
Saturday Night Live

BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Kyle Chandler – Friday Night Lights
Jon Hamm – Mad Men

BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Connie Britton – Friday Night Lights

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Josh Holloway – LOST
Taylor Kitsch – Friday Night Lights
Jesse Plemons -Friday Night Lights
Hugo Reyes – LOST

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Madison Burge – Friday Night Lights
Elisabeth Moss – Mad Men
Elizabeth Mitchell – LOST

BEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Jason Sudeikis – Saturday Night Live
Joel McHale – Community
Bill Hader – Saturday Night Live

BEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Kristin Wigg – Saturday Night Live
Nasim Pedrad – Saturday Night Live

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Danny Pudi – Community
Donald Glover – Community

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Alison Brie – Community

BEST SPORTS SHOW
Pardon the Interruption
Inside the NFL
Hard Knocks

BEST REALITY SHOW
World’s Dumbest Partiers
The Bachelorette
American Idol