The Bachelor Episode 1: Amazing Crazy

It’s that time again.  Chris Harrison and this year’s Bachelor have teamed up for one glorious goal: to find next season’s Bachelorette.  Let’s do this.

THE BACHELOR:

Ben.  Ben is a winemaker from San Francisco.  I like this guy.  His favorite things:

• Standing in doorways looking outside
• Kayaking by himself
• Riding on a tractor
• Love

Do you remember that 90s Ginuwine song Pony? Poor Ben is the opposite of that song. He is way out of his league with nearly all of these women, and he is loving it.  How do I know this? Because he said, “That is…a pretty lady.”  Cool guys don’t say things like that. (Cool guys are also very boring.)  Ben looks like Zach Braff and he sounds like Jacob from Twilight. I’m afraid he’s going to be eaten alive by this year’s crazy contestants.  I guess if you are a single, semi-nerdy guy, you take that shot.

Ben seems like someone I would hang out with, which is a big plus. I thought Brad was pretty cool, but he’s not the kind of guy I would generally be friends with. Not because I don’t like him, but because we run in different circles. Ben and I don’t know about any workouts that isolate lats.

THE CONTESTANTS:

We’re a decade into the Bachelor(ette) franchise, and at this point the contestants are only very thinly veiling their aspirations to use the show as a springboard to fame.  Of the twenty-five girls, I think two or three seem like they would actually be interested in Ben outside of the show.  A few of the girls stood out:

Lindzi: Lindzi rides horses and is very pretty. Ben has a vineyard which has plenty of room for both pretty girls and horses.  I think things are lining up for these two. She seems genuinely sweet so I hope she stays around for awhile.

Amber: Amber is from Nebraska.  She likes guns and COW BALLS.  Accent, exotic (to CA Ben), pretty. Yes.

Kacie: Kacie is from Tennessee.  She is the Sandra Bullock of the show.  She’s sweet to everyone and pretty and patient and funny. She’s my early frontrunner to win the whole damn thing.

Courtney: Courtney is a “model” from Santa Monica. She said that she loves competition and isn’t worried about her competition. This means that she is worried about her competition and ferociously insecure. I bet she won’t make a ton of friends.  Seacrest says she dumped her long-term boyfriend to get on the show.

Jamie: Jamie is a nurse who raised her siblings. She is pretty and caring and she wants babies. If Ben likes brunettes, it’ll be a tough year for him. Lots of choices.

Jenna: A blogger from NYC.  Kind of reminds me of Anna David. In a meta reference that just blew my mind, I saw that David blogs about the Bachelor and shared an awesome link about weird ways that people found love (ex. firefighter and fire victim, Renaissance Faire fence builders). I thought she seemed interesting. Again with the brunette thing.

OH! Quote from Ben: “I am loving the brunettes!”

Brittney: Brought her grandma to show that she cared about family. From the previews, it looked like Ben was going to handle this poorly, which was sad. In real life, Ben was super nice to Brittney’s grandma and I think he liked Brittney. If he picks a blonde girl, she’s got to be on the short list.

Emily: An aspiring epidemiologist who raps and accidentally sprays Ben in the face with chemicals. Word on the street is that Ben really likes her.

Well, those are the contestants who stood out to me.

LESSONS LEARNED:

The other things that stood out:

The toilet paper commercial where a woman with a serious expression said something like, “It’s time we talked about what we really want out of toilet paper.”  Was this ever even an issue? I’m pretty sure everyone knows what TP is for. Why do we even have advertising for toilet paper? That’s like advertising socks.

I learned two new phrases during the episode: “amazing crazy” and “nicely bubbly”. I have already incorporated both into my everyday speech.

Quote of the show: “I’m going to cut her %$*#%* face off.”  One girl said that about another girl.  Why would you ever say that? Do the toilet paper companies know about this? How much alcohol is consumed on this show?

PREDICTIONS:

Lindzi, Emily, Kacie, blonde girl who got the rose. I liked blonde girl, but I don’t know her name.

My second prediction is that we will see a lot of side cleavage, hear the words love and like a lot, and watch mascara run all over the place as tears and sobs abound.

Love hurts, ladies.

The Bachelor Episode 2, or, My Encounter with Martine

In this episode, Brad took a girl on a date.  The “date” took place at night in the middle of nowhere.  With a flip of a light switch, the middle of nowhere suddenly turned into a carnival!  A real-life, working carnival, devoid of all people.  In other words, it was a horror movie.

It was kind of like this. I KILL YOU!

Then some girls fought with each other and Brad was kind of scared, but also kind of loving every second of it.  I bet this is what being single in LA is like.

The Bachelor Episode 1: Hamlet

Hey, readers!  It’s that time of year again, the season of roses, polygamy, and connections.  It’s BACHELOR TIME!  Sadly, I won’t be able to memorialize the season as I’ve done in years past.

Here’s why – I have a weird job with long hours, and I don’t have a DVR.  Therefore,  my Bachelor updates will be sporadic at best.  They will also be short.  Unless someone wants to send me a free DVR.  That would be fine.

This year’s Bachelor is Brad Womack.  He is famous for being the brother of country star Lee Ann Womack.  The song I Hope You Dance is about Brad.  Just kidding!

Brad is infamous for his previous run on The Bachelor, in which he decided not to propose to any girl.  For some reason, this made every Bachelor-viewing woman in America hate him.  I don’t understand this position, because it doesn’t make any sense.

Have you ever dated someone, and then decided not to marry that person?  So did Brad!

Have you ever proposed to someone you barely know?  Neither has Brad!

In real life, we would call this a “good decision”.  In the Bachelor world, this makes you slap-worthy.

I just can’t understand why everyone is so mad at Brad.  All the dude did was not sign up for a doomed relationship.   How great would it be if Brad still doesn’t propose to a girl?

Good luck with a house-full of  busty drama, amigo!

The Bachelorette Finale: The End

Let’s not waste time with an hour and a half of recaps.  Let’s get to it!

• Ali picked Roberto.  They are engaged! I want to act like I’m a big deal because I called it from week one.  But, you didn’t have to be Veronica Mars to solve this mystery.  Ali acted like a psycho every time she was within a 20 foot radius of Roberto.  Ali was the opposite of those depression commercials where everyone looks like a serial killer.  I hope Ali’s Pavlovian response to her esposo is always uncontrolled giggling and cooing.  Discovery should do a special on this.

• Cape Cod Chris didn’t get picked.  This was ok with me.  America needs another season of this New England hero.  I was sure they were going to say he was next season’s Bachelor. But, they didn’t say that.  If Cape Cod Chris isn’t next year’s Bachelor, then I am going to hitchhike to Maine with my digital camera and film my own season.

• The only other reasonable choice for Bachelor is Kasey.  America hasn’t had enough of Kasey.

• Frank was supposed to be on After the Rose, but he canceled at the last minute.  Frank flaked out again.  Is anyone in the world flakier than Frank? Nope.

• Ali’s dad was the most reasonable person in the history of reality tv.  He said something like, “Do you love my daughter?  You barely know her!”  That is great, Mr. Fedotowsky.  It’s the perfect thing to say to a suitor who dated your daughter on a television show.  You are a good dad!

• Ali: “I love getting on machines that go really fast.”

• Here are some Bachelor(ette) cliche vows that should be used in the upcoming wedding:  [Name], family is so important to me, and so is sharing every moment with someone I love.  For so long, I’ve been hoping to find love. From the moment I saw you, I knew love at first sightwas real. I knew we had a connection.  At the first rose ceremony, it was like, like, nothing else was there except you and me.  You’re so beautiful, and funny, and smart, and we laugh together, and I feel so happy every time we are together.  We’ve gone through so much together, and shared so many moments.  I’m so lucky find love with someone so amazing and awesome.  You are, like [laughing], so amazing! I’m so lucky!  What’s your last name?

THE END

The Bachelorette Ep 9: This is What it Sounds Like When Yuppies Cry

Here it is.  The episode we’ve been waiting for.  The one where Frank finally gets around to telling Ali he’s in love.  With someone else.  Word on the web is that Frank knew this going into taping and tried to back out of the show, but the producers wouldn’t let him.  Supposedly, the Bachelor(ette) picks the top four before taping even begins.  Frank was obviously one of the top four, so they forced him to stay.  I don’t know if the pre-show picking buzz is true or not, but it would explain why Frank has been acting so crazy.

Anyway, this is the episode where Ali samples the milk without buying the cattle herd.  Let’s do this.

ROBERTO
Roberto and Ali went on a helicopter ride, then they started making out all over Tahiti.  Then, they ate dinner.  Then, they walked to their seaside suite for an “Overnight Date”, which is Disney slang for “sexual intimacy”.  I feel dirty.

CAPE COD CHRIS
I have to stop right here for a minute.  Chris knows that Ali and Roberto had an “Overnight Date” that ended maybe, oh, forty minutes before his date.  Here is my policy on finding a soulmate:

If your girl just finished having an “Overnight Date” with someone else and then immediately goes on a date with you, she is not your soulmate.

Chris and Ali went on a boat ride.  Then, they found some pearls.  Then, they walked to their seaside suite for an “Overnight Date”, which is Disney slang for “sexual intimacy”.  I feel dirty.

FRANK
Instead of going to Tahiti, Frank decided to stay in Chicago and talk things out with his ex, because he still loves her.  He didn’t want to propose to Ali when he loved someone else.  I have to stop right here for a minute.  If I’m Frank, I’m also going to Chicago instead of Tahiti.  Because my girl in Chicago (1) likes me and (2) did not just have “Overnight Dates” with two other guys.   I am firmly in Camp Frank.  After staring at his ex for awhile and then crying, Frank heads to Tahiti.  He’s got some bad new for Ali.

Before that confrontation, though, Frank talks things out with Chris, the show’s host.  Chris says he is shocked by the news that Frank is in love with someone else.  I find that hard to believe.  First, he had to know that Frank had a camera crew following him around to his ex’s apartment.  Second, if the rumor is true, he knew Frank wanted out.  That’s not the important thing.  The important thing is Frank’s conversation with Ali, which will be known as The Rumble in the Jungle.

Ali, fresh off her second Overnight Date, was excited to see Frank.  She wasn’t so excited when Frank revealed he was in love with someone else. To recap: The girl who was dating 25 guys and just slept with two of them was upset.

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Sorry, I had to call my dog over to give me the Heimlich, because I was choking on the double standard.  Back to the Rumble.  Frank and Ali sat in beach chairs and cried yuppie tears for forty minutes about what a horrible situation they were in.  Frank found his soulmate and Ali had two awesome guys on call, ready to overnight date and propose.  Wait, what’s the problem!  Everybody found love!  This is like Sweet Home Alabama, It’s a Guy Thing, and Get Over It combined.  Ali and Frank need Netflix.

WHAT’S NEXT
The way things are going right now, either Cape Cod Chris or Roberto will be heartbroken.  I can’t have that.  I think Chris and Roberto should get a buddy sitcom, and Ali should get with Jake.  He’s single, right? Win win win.  ABC, are you reading this?  Get me a production deal!

The Bachelorette Ep 8: Meet the Fockers

Due to the rioting of my female readers, I decided I better throw up a quick recap of last Monday’s show.

If you aren’t familiar with the Bachelor(ette), here’s a quick rundown of the week:  The Bachelor(ette) travels around the country and spends a day with four of his/her potential soulmates’ families.  Each family (1) hangs out in the living room, (2) eats some food, and (3) plays with a dog or a child.   Then, one or both of the parents throws some softball questions at the Bachelor(ette).  Finally the parent inevitably blesses the unholy union.  If my son was on the Bachelorette and wanted me to bless his relationship, here’s what I would do.  I would shake my head “no” and squirt everyone involved with a SuperSoaker.  No!  Anyway, let’s meet the parents.

ROBERTO
Ali is in love with Roberto.  Do you know how I know? When she saw him, she started jumping up and down and twirling around.  I just gave my dog a Milk-Bone, and he behaved in the exact same way. I repeat – Ali is in love with Roberto!

To start this family date, Rob took our girl Ali to his college baseball field, where they again played catch.  Ali was too smitten to realize that he already did this move on her once.  Doesn’t matter.

Roberto’s family is cool.  His mom is superpretty, his dad is a retired Army Ranger, and they ended the evening by Latin dancing in the living room.  Do you know who wouldn’t want to be a part of this family?  The answer is nobody.  Hold on, I’m so inspired by the Martinez family that I have to go dance.

CAPE COD CHRIS
Cape Cod Chris has a puppy that runs around on the beach. I repeat, Cape Cod Chris loves puppies!  This guy’s family is awesome.  The hoary, wise father, the goofy brothers, the sweet sister in laws.  Have you ever seen a critically acclaimed movie where a couple goes home to a giant house with a big family?  (Rachel Getting Married, The Family Stone, Dan in Real Life, The Proposal, The Last Kiss, Wedding Crashers, etc.) Cape Cod Chris’ family is like that, but without any drama.  Just the cool house and a beach view.

I don’t know any straight girl who wouldn’t want to end up with a guy like Chris.

CAPTAIN KIRK
The first thing that Kirk’s father said to Ali was, “Do you wanna go see my basement?”  The second thing he said was, “You go first.”  That’s all you need to know.

FRANK
This guy is such a buzzkill.  All he does complain and wonder aloud about the future of Ali and Frank.  It’s not even cool brooding.  It’s just lame.  Still, we learned that Frank is in love with someone else! Frank was able to get two girls to love him at once! I one has a puppy.  The other guy lives in his parents’ basement and has a girlfriend.  You’re a smart girl.  Do the math.

NEXT WEEK
Next week, the final three accompany Ali to a tropical island, where she is allowed to have her way with them.  I’m not kidding.  This show is owned by Disney! What a world.

The Bachelorette Ep 7: The One with the Feminine Wash

In this episode, Ali went on some dates, got drunk, and wore some wild clothes.  Then, she kicked Ty to the curb.  The Portuguese curb.

THE ROBERTO DATE
Roberto danced with Ali in the middle of the street.  ROMANCE!  Then, they ate a candlelit dinner.   I guess I could’ve just typed, “Roberto was Roberto, and that made Ali giggle with joy.”  Because that’s how it went.

Us Latin men have a saying.  I’m not making this saying up.  I learned it from a man named Cecilio.  Here is the saying:  Once you go brown, you’ll always stick around.  Just conferred with my wife, she says this statement is true.

THE GROUP DATE
In this barn-burner of a romantic evening, Ali was forced to go on a date with Ty and Frank.  This particular outing consisted of a helicopter ride and a candlelit dinner for three.  Our girl looked really bored.  The helicopter ride didn’t even phase her.  Rather than engage in small talk with the boys at dinner, she decided to get plastered on wine.  Exactly what I would’ve done.  Props to our girl.  Things I would rather do than hang out with the Ty/Frank tag team:

• Watch extended cut of  Vagisil Feminine Wash commercial
• Wrestle Turks
• Clean the hot tub at the Bachelor Pad house

THE CAPTAIN KIRK DATE
Kirk got to accompany Ali on a “fairy tale” date, which meant a busty witch put a spell on Ali that knocked her out until the prince/orphan Kirk could kiss her.  And also Ali was a mermaid who befriended little people and a lobster. And also Kirk had a pet monkey.  Just kidding!  The hung out in a castle.

THE CAPE COD CHRIS DATE
You can’t see, but I’m typing this paragraph with my face.  That’s  because my hands are busy slow-clapping for Cape Cod Chris, who absolutely owned this date.

This date included scooters, a winery, and some inner-thigh to inner-thigh contact.  AKA “The Joey Special”.

Reasons why Cape Cod Chris is the man:

• Horrible at scootering.  HORRIBLE!  Swore, drove 3mph, had no problem with Ali taking over.  Did you see him wave his arms in terror when she start zipping down the hill?  Genuine.
• Saved his gift (a handmade bracelet) for her until he was sure he liked her.  Genuine.
• Made fun of her drinking.  Genuine.
• Can articulate what family means to him without using two cliches per sentence.  Genuine.

THE ROSE CEREMONY
Ty didn’t get a rose.  Ali stood in the rain and watched his limo pull away.  Her lower lip was sticking out.  I think she was still drunk.

JAKE AND VIENNA BROKE UP
Chris Harrison hosted a special post-breakup conversation with Jake and Vienna, last year’s Bachelor couple.  They don’t seem to get along anymore.  At one point, Vienna called Jake a fame whore.

It’s hard to argue with that statement, since Jake went on a nationally televised game show to date a bunch of women, participated in Dancing with the Stars, and started an acting career.  Then, he publicized his breakup in national magazines and a national tv show.

Vienna, of course, also went on a nationally televised game show to date a man, participated in Dancing with the Stars, and then publicized her breakup story in national magazines and a national tv show.

Who is to blame for the breakup?  Me.  It’s all my fault for watching and reading.*

POWER RANKINGS

1. Robert
2. Cape Cod Chris
3. Kirk
4. Frank

*Social commentary/brooding of the week.

The Bachelorette Ep 6: They’re Just Not That Into You

In this episode, we (Ali and I) learned a few important life lessons.

TURKEY IS AWESOME
1990s pop music taught us that Istanbul was Constantinople.  What it didn’t teach us is that Istanbul is the best city in the history of Earth.  The architecture, the bathhouses, and the semi-nude Turkish wrestlers who battle foreigners should all be considered national treasures.  I would like to personally thank the ABC executives not only for LOST, but also for the important public service they provided by showing us Turkey.

JUSTIN IS NOT A GOOD GUY
Finally, at long last, we found out which guy has a girlfriend.  It was Justin.  The horrible, horrible Canadian.  Justin, you are a disgrace to Ryan Reynolds and Keanu Reeves.  They are the REAL Rated-Rs of Canada.  You, sir, you are a charlatan.  GOOD DAY, SIR.

If you don’t watch The Bachelorette, let me explain Justin to you.  If you are a girl, Justin is the cheesy player who said all kinds of BS to you so you would make out with him.  The, after the fact, you wanted to kill him with your bare hands.  If you are a guy, Justin is the skeezy guy who made out with a girl you liked, even though everyone but her knew he was no good.  That’s Justin, only he (1) is a pro-wrestler, (2) embarrassed Ali on national tv, and (3) had two other girlfriends the entire time.

THE TY DATE
Ali and Ty went to a bathhouse and hugged each other awkwardly in steam for about twenty minutes.  Ty also revealed the reason he got divorced is that his wife had a job.  Also, he “loves being married”.

Ali.  Ali.  Ali.  You are dedicated to your career.  You quit The Bachelor for your job.  You told a contestant you are anything but traditional.  You are looking for love.  Are you considering marrying a guy who divorced his wife because she had a job?

Ty does not pass The Dude Test.
GROUP DATE
Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Captain Kirk, and Craiger went on the group date. The activity?  Get half-naked, put on some leather pants, cover yourself in olive oil, and wrestle some Turkish men.  Two points:

• Every guy on this date was cool.  You could tell because they were nice and they didn’t get divorced because their wives had jobs.
• Ali should pick one of these guys.

Poor Craiger defeated the other three guys only to go on a date with an uninterested Ali.  I thought she was going to taze him during dinner.  He seems like an alright guy, so I felt pretty bad for him.  He was totally oblivious to her lack of interest.

FRANK DATE
Frank dates are always a mess.  This poor guy is so mousy and manic.  Ali is really into him, which means he doesn’t really like her.  This date went fine I guess, but in the promo for next week, we see that he’s just not that into her.

ALI
Poor Ali is a mess. In the promo for next week, she wonders aloud if there’s something wrong with her.  The answer is no and yes.  No, nothing is wrong with Ali.  She seems like a great girl.  But, she’s emotionally invested in guys on a game show.  At least two of the guys were there for the wrong reasons, and she’s having to go through the fallout of being used.  I like Ali a lot now, so I wish she would’ve just registered for E-Harmony and called it a day after the Jake fiasco.

This episode was pretty depressing.  I felt bad for Ali, and I felt bad for watching a reality show that manipulates people for ratings (ABC totally knew about Justin and Frank).  Finally, I felt bad for Kirk and Chris, who were clearly not born to wrestle shirtless Turks.

Hopefully next week will be less Empire Strikes Back and more Return of the Jedi.

The Bachelorette Ep 5: Ali vs The Volcano

Samantha wants the world to know that the true title of this post is Moldy with a Chance of Sleazeballs.

After watching this episode, I decided to research how someone becomes a saint.  Ali should definitely get in, or at least get some nods.  She’s amazing.  I can’t believe she made it through Kasey’s tattoo speech and Chris’ Mexican food line.  What a woman.  Alright, let’s do this.

THE LOCATION
Iceland.  Iceland is amazing, and it gave us Bjork.  That’s all you need to know.

CAPTAIN KIRK
On this hard-earned date, Kirk and Ali went sweater shopping.  They also ate at a restaurant, and Kirk revealed that he is athletic.  He felt a real connection.  Kirk is a good guy.  He’s always positive and he’s always a gentleman.  I think he’s the right mix of qualities for Ali.  My wife says they look good together.  That’s the ultimate test.  Another thing I like about Kirk – he passes the dude test.  Dudes would hang out with him.  That’s good.  I don’t think three of the guys would pass this test.  Cape Cod Chris would pass for sure.

GROUP DATE
This group date was great.  Ali took her beaus on a horse ride through Iceland, and then they walked around in a cave.  Poor Cape Cod Chris was having a hard time with his trail horse.  He fell off.  Ty, on the other hand, was all about animal husbandry.  He was fixing saddles, adjusting stirrups, and saying things like “Hyah” and “WOAH”.  Ty’s not my favorite guy on the show.

The date ended in some crazy natural hot spring.  Everyone went swimming, which means we learned that Ali is built like a superhero and Lawyer Craig has a pale, pale backside.  Another thing we learned is that Ali is happiest when she is sloshed.  She was definitely feeling the booze.  Let me break down the signs that Ali is crunk:

• Unfocused vision.
• Wide eyes.
• Giggling.
• Long pauses in speaking. (This explains why she was unable to form a complete thought with Jake.)
• Excessive optimism.

Ali did manage to slur out that Ty was getting a rose.

DOUBLE DATE
Ali took Justin and Kasey on a group date.  The upside was that she got to walk around next to an erupting volcano.  The downside was that she spent the day with Justin and Kasey.  I love Canadians (Ryan Reynolds, Keanu Reeves, Kristin Kreuk), so I have to defend their honor and say that Justin is a horrible Canadian.  Poor Kasey is just a mess.  He showed Ali his tattoo, and she just sat there and listened to him ramble, and told him she was glad he was himself.  What a great way to spin that whole bizarre situation. Ali, you are the best.

Ali then sprinted back to the helicopter, gave Justin a rose, and said nothing the rest of the day.  Poor Kasey was left standing on the mountain, dawdling around in his parka.  I hope they sent the helicopter back for him.

ALI TALKS TO DUDES
Before the elimination portion of the show, Ali got to have a little one on one time with some of the guys.  Craig drew a fake tattoo on his arm.  Joel Olsteen revealed that someone once said he was funny.  When Ali asked him to share something wild, he said he really liked Mexican food.  Then, he blankly stared at Ali.  Then, he told the camera he was confident he was going to get a rose.

ELIMINATION ROUND
Joel Olsteen didn’t get a rose.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Kirk
2. Roberto
3. Frank
4. Cape Cod Chris
5. Ty

Kirk is the total package for Ali.  He’s either going to win or become the Bachelor.  Our girl is still smitten with Roberto, but they don’t seem to have much in common, so he dropped.  She likes Frank still, but he’s so insecure I don’t think he’ll be in it to win it.  Chris is a great guy, but they don’t have a connection.  I could see him being the Bachelor.  He reminds me a lot of Jason Segel (Freaks and Geeks, Forgetting Sarah Marshall).  He’s a goofy, good guy.  Ty seems to be hanging in there, but he’s so cocky.  I don’t think Ali is into that.  Maybe Jake will rejoin the cast now that he’s single.  GAME CHANGER!

HELICOPTERS
Every reality show features at least one helicopter ride every fifteen minutes.  I am convinced that reality television makes helicopter piloting a lucrative business.

See you next Monday.

The Bachelorette Ep 4: Ali is Allergic to Karaoke

This week, Ali and her boys ditched the Left Coast to head east.  Everyone was happy to hear they’d be traveling the world, trying to win Ali’s heart.  You could tell all the guys were happy because they were hi-fiving.  It is physically impossible to hi-five someone if you are unhappy.  It would be like putting two positively charged magnets together.  Impossible.  Watching the home videos of all the guys at the airport was cool, because it seems like everyone who’s left has become pretty good friends now.  I would like to hang out with this group of guys, presumably to talk about connections and gym routines.

This week the action moved to New York City.  The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps.  The Big Easy.  The Ol’ Blue Eyes.  The Motor City.  The Big D.  Something something something dreams are made of, there’s nothing you can’t do.  Now you’re in New York.

CASEY
Remember a couple of weeks ago when Casey said he wanted to showcase his voice by doing karaoke for Ali?  This is the week when Casey’s dreams came true.  Twice.

This date taught us that Casey is an impromptu singing master.  We learned that the songs just come to him.  Like a divine miracle, or diarrhea.

Song One happened while Casey and Ali were having a picnic and waiting for their obligatory helicopter ride.  They were sitting on a blanket and then he went, off into song.  A foot away from Ali.  I want to be respectful of Casey and his attempt to win Ali, but I have to describe the song a little bit.  It was like a drunk robot got a hold of an autotune microphone and tried to freestyle.

I need to pause and say that Ali is an absolute saint.  A saint!  She just sat there and absorbed the music.  She didn’t giggle or wince or cry or anything. She’s a great Bachelorette.  Ali, I know for a fact that you are reading this, so I want to say good job.

Casey and then Ali went to a closed museum for a date.  I’ve been to the museum, but I don’t remember seeing Ali or Casey there, and I definitely don’t remember Casey staring at me and asking me to jump into his heart.

After some awkward moments yelling at exhibits and reminding Ali that her name is Ali, Casey once again breaks into song.  Then, Ali breaks his heart by not giving him a rose.  She was so diplomatic about the whole thing.  I think we should send her to BP, North Korea, the Middle East.  I think everyone will listen to her.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
Next, all the guys have to audition for the producers of Broadway’s The Lion King.  Ali and one lucky guy will be performing as backup dancers in a real Broadway show.  I was out of the room for the auditions, but apparently Roberto is a good dancer. (What a cliche!  Everyone knows baseball players dance!)  He is also a horrible singer, but Ali loves him and his Rico Suava ways, so he wins.

I came back into the room right on time for rehearsals.  Ali and Roberto were wearing skimpy flesh-colored leotards and zipping around the air on wires. All their dates involve wires.  I’m not sure what exactly they were doing up there, but there seemed to be some second base involved.  It looked like they were attempting to keep the circle of life rolling forward.

Come on producers, call the game.

CAPTAIN KIRK’S POWER PLAY
Ali got sick, presumably from  Casey’s singing and all the mid-air groping. Kirk told her to not worry about hanging out with the guys, but to get some rest. By rest, he meant, let’s make out in your room.  So they did.

CAPE CODE CHRIS DATE
Even though Ali was sick, she wanted to hang out with Chris.  So, he went and bought her flowers and soup.  Good move by Cape Cod Chris.  He’s husband material.  I can’t tell if Ali’s really into him or if she just thinks he’s a good guy.

WEATHERMAN SINGS TO ALI
Weatherman told the camera that he’s a singer-songwriter.  That sentence was a pretty good hint his song would be a trainwreck.  And it was.  It was  a perfect mix of Bret Michaels and Casey.  It’s a warbly, acoustic power ballad of awkwardness and desire.  Weatherman means well, but he’s too goofy to win.

By this point, Ali is so battle-hardened that she didn’t even flinch.  She just sat there with a thousand-yard stare.  I imagine she was daydreaming about Roberto.

CASEY GETS AN ALI TATTOO
I can’t even write about this. I can’t believe a producer didn’t calm this guy down. He got a tattoo reflectinghis desire to “guard and protect” the heart of a girl he met on a gameshow.  And to reflect his kinship with the other dudes on the gameshow.  ABC, you better pay for his laser tattoo removal.

ROSE CEREMONY
Jesse and Weatherman are out.  I’ll miss Weatherman and his cheeseball jokes.  Best of luck to you, bro.

Fake Joel Olsteen is still a contender!  How? I’ve never seen him talk to Ali. Who is he? I did learn his name is Chris N.

POWER RANKINGS

1. Roberto
2. Kirk
3. Cape Cod Chris
4. Frank
5. Fake Joel Olsteen